Anthony Weiner has an obvious problem. Several of my contemporaries suspect that he is a narcissist, or a sociopath, or mentally ill in some way that defies simple labels. Others point a finger toward the murky concept of sex addiction. Could it be that simple? Is Anthony Weiner a sex addict? Can he claim such addiction as a legitimate excuse for behavior that doesn’t jibe with his publicly stated commitment to his family and the public? Can he get a doctor’s note excusing him from not being the man whose time and priorities are devoted to becoming mayor? It really all depends who you ask.
For starters, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – aka the bible of psychology – sex addiction is not classified as an actual disorder. In fact, just last week, a group of scientists at UCLA published a study positing that sex addiction may not be similar to alcohol and drug addiction, based on comparisons of neural responses to those who suffer from substance abuse. The study questions the model of addiction as well as treatment, since most sex-addiction therapy is generally similar to Alcoholics Anonymous or drug rehab. Yet as a celebrity obsessed, tabloid-loving society, we toss around the diagnosis like it’s some kind of common sense. And then there’s the American Association of Sex Addiction Therapy.
When Anthony Weiner got caught quite literally with his pants down in 2011, his first reaction was typical: he outright lied. But when more evidence surfaced regarding his multiple phone and cyber liaisons, he reluctantly told the truth, admitting defeat and resigning from office. He apologized to his wife and to the public. He promised he would seek treatment. He called his behavior “dumb” and claimed he was “deeply ashamed.” Upon the announcement of his candidacy for mayor in May of this year, much to the surprise of many, he claimed to be a changed man.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Turns out that not much had actually changed, however. After his resignation in 2011, Weiner Dog went right back to his same old tricks. A website called The Dirty published a more current explicit photo of Weiner, along with correspondence via Formspring between Weiner and Sydney Leathers, his latest cyber paramour. His online handles were revealed to be Carlos Danger and Dangr33, although he was honest with Leathers about his true identity. He saw zero harm engaging in phone sex and sexting on a daily basis for six months with a younger girl, even after being given a second chance by his wife and the public. Carlos Danger? Give me a break. How could he not think this would hurt his family and damage his shot at becoming the next mayor? Recently, Ms. Leathers appeared on the Howard Stern Show.
“I mean as funny as it would be to have a Mayor Carlos Danger, I think he’s a little too busy j—–g off to do anything for the city,” Leathers told Stern.
Why would a man, whose personal predilections have already cost him one public office, seek another before first doing something about his incredibly self-destructive behavior?
As a sex educator and therapist, I always tell my clients: You won’t have a great sex life until you and your partner have a great relationship … and you’ll never achieve that great relationship with your partner, until you’ve developed a deep, trusting relationship with yourself. Weiner definitely has some issues to work through, hopefully with a professional. He could start with his screwed up senses of priority, trust and commitment, and then move on to getting a grip on his own ego and sexuality. I don’t think it’s correct to say he suffers from sex addiction. More than anything, he suffers from a serious case of arrogance and stupidity.
In 2011 Weiner felt he shouldn’t have to quit because he hadn’t broken any laws and his failings were personal. Obviously, he’s completely void of any common sense, and incapable of connecting the dots. As a politician working for the citizens, his priorities should have been with his family, and his job – which, in his case, meant an understanding of his status as a public figure. A role model. Weiner ignored these very key aspects of the life he chose, and what’s worse, he acted with reckless abandon. It’s not amazing that he got caught; it’s amazing that it didn’t happen sooner, considering the people with whom he shared his sexting relationships. Weiner’s crime isn’t just that he led a tawdry double life; it’s also that he was so stupid about it.
Clearly, he’s not alone in his campaign in terms of harboring severe low self-esteem and ego issues. His communications manager, Barbara Morgan, chose to lash out at a former intern over a petty statement by calling her a “slutbag”, “twat”, and “cunt.” (It begs an interesting question: is a lack of self-control contagious?) Perhaps the only positive element remaining in his campaign is Huma; though I wonder how much more huma-iliation the poor woman can take.
Anthony Weiner misled Sydney Leathers into believing he was going to buy a condo in Chicago for the two of them while sleeping next to his wife every night. We’re left to wonder if he’d do the same to us, promising help to the middle class while simultaneously bedding corporate lobbyists. If he can’t protect his very own family from pain and disaster, how can we honestly expect him to do the same for our magnificent city?
People have affairs and lie every day. Many of these people mend their ways; seek forgiveness and a return to stable, loving relationships. Mostly, we grant those things. We’re all human, we’re all imperfect, and we all make mistakes. But those of us who are smart learn from our mistakes. We don’t lose almost everything for a bit of fun and then go right back to that behavior when we think no one is watching. Most of us have enough intelligence to know better. Anthony Weiner obviously doesn’t, so how can we trust him to run the greatest city in the world?
My 74-year-old grandma has Facebook and Twitter accounts, and she doesn’t have issues using them. If you aren’t smart enough to understand how to use Twitter and Facebook in this day and age, you probably shouldn’t be mayor. If you don’t have common sense enough to realize that the two words “social media” are the complete opposite of secrecy and discretion, you probably shouldn’t be mayor. If you can’t seamlessly navigate the digital landscape in which we all now live, you should not be leading a group of progressive citizens blindly into the future.
Weiner wants it all: To be the 109th leader of the greatest city on earth. But I’m not sure where he gets off thinking he is qualified or worthy of such a position. New York needs a leader with honor, integrity, commitment, street smarts, a sense of priorities, and – most certainly – the ability to learn from his or her mistakes.
Ms. M. is a sex therapist and relationship expert who also serves as the advice columnist and writer for the Museum of Sex in New York City. She lives on Park Avenue with her fiancé and rescued pooch. Follow her on Tumblr or Twitter @AdviceFromMsM or AdviceFromMsM.com.