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15

15
A room. Music. One/several voices. Various temporal realms.
 
 
The voice you are hearing now
It’s my voice.
 
This is my voice.
       And this is you.
     
         Standing there.
       Listening.
 
         Asking me.
 
 
1.
 
So?
I am tired of waiting.
Waiting is complicated.
When. Whom. Where. Why.Till when.
 
So ?
 
be happy go to your room sleep be honest with yourself I don’t know
 
What’s keeping you?
 
You wanted it like this. Right from the start.
 
Do you need more time?
 
Wednesday 14:45.
I jump. I float. I close my eyes.
My ears are pulverizing.
 
 
2.
 
Maybe.
You’ll die and I’ll be free. Apocalypse will come and I’ll be free. My ova will rot and I’ll be free.
Thanx , little ova, thanx for deciding for me.
Maybe
Your people will make war to my people. You’ll have a child and kill yourself. You’ll jump in front of a car. You’ll develop a drinking problem. You’ll discover you’re gay. You’ll get depressed. You’ll drown yourself. You’ll find God You’ll go to Irak. You’ll go to jail. You’ll go mad. You’ll go blind.
And I burned you on my retina,
exquisite as you are,
just like you were
when your cool mom had you.
Maybe
You’ll go blind.
 
Maybe
You’re not interested.
These words are out of love.
 
3.
To alter the memory. 
To alter the ability of remembering.
good days. bad days. I rape time not to think at the effects of time. I project myself, I readapt myself, I make plans, I make promises, I live up to them, all in the name of you, do together, act together, always try to think together, always, in the name of you, always. I don’t hate you. hold my hand. since you’ve been away, I fear absence no more. growing apart feels as natural as a dull perfume.
 
Now, I can speak.
 
4.
 
6.00 a.m. The phone rings
Absence is passive.
Absence is an early morning call.
Morning callers.
No good news, I tell you.
Sometimes I wish to get away from you, sometimes I don’t. My needs related to my ability of remembering. But the memory can not be avoided. It is here, as thick as fog, endangering us with the threat of sudden visibility.
 
This is us.
Parting casually a while ago. We say our goodbyes, all the most common of things.
Feel.
Touch.
Pressure.
Skin.
I remember still your intensity pass by me.
Look.
Smile.
Hands.
Protect.
Can’t think of you, love! I just fictionalize your absence. Your ability for Otherness.
 
 
5.
 
The best way to get rid of you is to talk about you.
Love makes you better.
This is you.
Barking at me every morning.
Give me bones.Give me some skin.
You’re hungry.
Love is patient.
This is me.
Taking you a photo. Watching digitally your evolution. Up to your bones, up to your blood and iron.
Love is a gift
This is you.
Leaving. Sailing on Japanese waters. Through the warm hole. Pointilist-like. Naive-like. Extraordinary warpish-like.
Love forgives.
This is me.
Being kind to you.
I give you mynth gum tu suck on. I blitche your hair orange. I pull out your sweet tooth. I write you a song. I give you a son. You bite my left breast. You give me a son. Give me a son. Give me a son.Give me a son.
 
Can you hear me?
 
My words are distance.
My words silent you.
My words are the plastic bags in which I stash your body.
 
 
6.
I’m cold.
I’ve let a pregnant woman cut in line today. She showed me her bags. I saw her belly. I smiled. She got nervous.
could   not    find    the    door    anymore
I imagine you’ll be a wonderful father.
 
I’m arrogant.
Gesture.
Acceptance.
Denial.
I am the best at denial.
I’m a control freak.
You must not eat. You must not shit.
I say “I must”, not “I would like to…but if I don’t…I can deal with it.
Choose your words carefully. I’ll cut you up just like a corpse.
I’m sterile
A, expert in autism and inner animals, could not decipher me.
I don’t get involved.
I’ve killed my inner animal. I sat on it by mistake.
I believe only in what I want to believe.
Yours is a little horse.
 
And this is my voice making love to you.

 
 
 
7.
 
 
You’ve been here today, in this very room…yes, here, at your desk, sucking at my breast, you’ve sit on your chair at your desk, your body weight is still imprinted in my skin. I could smell you coming. Your presence here. How you’ve been?They’ve cut me up today. Six parts. Six. Not seven, not three. Six. You asked them. Why six? Six is special, you know? To my sexual urges. Six holes. You counted them the other night. Gave them names. You were so gentle! Six babies! Red. Drown in urine. Smelled of pee. Your pee. You were touched. You cried. Are you still here? Hope you are. Here. Now. In this filthy train corridor. Near me, close to my back, stuck to my spinal cord. Massaging gently my shoulders. I’m pregnant. Surrounded in your arms. My forehead slick from your kisses. Six! Look at my arm! I know now I’ve missed something. Not us, never us. Something about you, of your affectionate ways with me. How you always made yourself present. Touching in a certain way, identifying yourself by your unique feel of my upper bones. Lower back. Shoulder. Leg, especially leg. Since your absence. Not. Afraid. Of. Death. Death is transgression. Death is silence. Death is petting your favorite dog on the head. Go right ahead. Squeeze my hand on the stirring wheel.  What’s holding you back? I miss you. I do. I remember you. Can’t believe it still. Your absence. Couldn’t even forget. Your voice. Saying my name. We haven’t said goodbye. Why six? Death is listening to your favorite song. Right? Death is eluding presence. Right? Six days have passed. I miss you still. I am sure now I could love you. Your absence makes yourself lovable. Your left ear. My fictional space. Your hands. My imaginary body. I am a figment of your lovability. I am ready now. Come here, boy, come here. Come here!
 
You still want me?
 
8.
 
Stay!
Can’t!
Stop!
Can’t!
Go!
 
 
This is me.
And this is my voice.
And this is my body.
 
Rejecting you.
 
9.
 
I deal with the intimacies of people, I shovel in their vulnerabilities. My role is to assist you in the act of remembering. Even if touching you is like diving in the midst of chaos. Everything is transparency; everything is deflourishment. From the first lung diving in nicotine mist to the last spasm. Remembering is transgression. Remembering is clicking yes to do you wish to format now. This is me married for centuries, walking hand in hand around the churchyards. Everywhere just death signs. I hate remembering. I hate the idea of leaving something behind.
 
Listen to my voice remembering.
I refuse.
It is possible to love.
I repress.
It is possible to love.
I’m still looking.
 
 
Asking you.
How can you make time pass faster? I can sing, I can eat, I can sleep, I can write, I can dream , I can read, I can talk. How can you make time stop? I can sing, I can eat, I can sleep, I can write, I can dream, I can read, I can talk, I can listen to music.
 
Listen to music, turn the volume up, jump, float, close your eyes.
Wednesday, 14.50, your ears are imploding.
 
 
 
10.
 
The coolest thing in the world is to love someone without being loved. I can make an art out of this.
 
I ask you nothing.
Please, don’t let me forget.
 
I don’t feel enough I don’t do enough when I am confronted with your reality I will have to go mad accept you accept me accepting you sometimes what I feel for you is so intense that false alarm to love you I only have to listen to some music I don’t want you to become an obsession I don’t want to follow you kidnap you slaughter you false alarm I had dinner today with two happy couples young beautiful smart in love cheese wine salad plum cake vomit vomit vomit you get married I’ll kill youfalse alarm shining like glass frozen inside mined ears like in an ultrasonic war field.
 
I know I’ ve made it impossible for you to come back.
 I am scared of you.
Of what you could do to me.
 
The scars on my skin.
The mother of your children.
 
Not scared of you.
Can you hear me?
Can you see me?
 
How far can I go? Who can I trust?
 
I hate you because you are alive and I am dead.
I wish you the most horrible life.
 
 
 
11.
So, any romance in your life?
Here     only      fiction.
 
The words are leaking out of me.
The love is leaking out of me like monthly blood
Red. Fast. Thick.
 
Oh, happy bleedings!
 
You have to go out. Talk. Socialize.
I want to sleep.
 
And the family? And the job? And the children? And us? And me? And the world?
Just sleep.
 
Of course, your story must be interesting. One day I’ll meet you and see how you really are.
Sleep
 
You      started              it.
                                                     Why should I be the one to end it?
 
 
12.
 
This is my voice.
Laughing.
 
0741458923 I hope that you’ll find the courage to keep alive his precious memory 0745632409 I heard what happened. I think he was a very cool guy. My thoughts are with you. 0721456732 all the white horses have gone ahead, love 0721458723 I am so sorry. I don’t even know what to tell you. I am sorry. How can I help you. 0722875421 Have faith. Call if you need something. Anything. 0740776623 Be strong! You are not alone! I fight myself. Alone I cut myself. Alone I kick myself. Alone. I crack my skull open. Alone. I       burn     my       lips       in         alcohol.           I
spit short.
spit cold.
spit poison.
in the back
 
in the back
slick
I hear you swell.
can you hear him?
 
hear him!
the corpse is dragging his chains.
 
 
13.
 
So?
The simplest way to do it is to start with a question.
How you feel?
How’s your state of mind?
How can I speak of him?
When you’re forgetting .
When I’m forgetting.
 
Today, I have combed my hair into a pony tail. Today, I woke up at 6 am, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and combed my hair into a ponytail. It’s silly. But I feel the need to tell you.
 
I don’t know.
I’m fine.
 
Wednesday. 14.55
Now. I see you. You are at the edge of the bed. Your hand up in the air. Touching the wall with your fingers.
Now. I see you. At the edge of the bed. Signing autographs.
Now. I see you. Clearly. You are there. Writing.
 
you?
me?
 
14.
 
 
I have always envied…
…I have a headache, I envy you, I’m baking a cake, I envy you, I’m starting my thesis, I envy you, I am pregnant with my second child, I envy you, I’ve got a job, I envy you, I’ve settled the weeding date, I envy you, I’m waiting time to pass by, I envy you…
these silly weaknesses.
 
 
15.
 
I am in love with your absence.
I can accept and ignore you at the same time.
I refuse to let you go.
You are too important.
I don’t love you.
Can’t forget you.
Don’t want to forget.
 
I gave a phone call today and confirmed my      p          r           e          s           e          n          c          e at a cocktail party. It’s silly but I need to tell you.
 
I haven’t watched you in time. There is time. Don’t worry, we have enough time. Haven’t touched, haven’t watched you in time. It’s OK, we still got time.
Now?
Now. A garden. A stone wall. White light, shadows cast by branches, dead leafs buried in the shape of fish bones. A garden. I must tell you.
.
I thought I knew you.
How can I speak of you? When I don’t know you. Anyway you’d like. It’s important you don’t bury it inside you. Just tell someone. Everything you thought. Everything you felt. Can’t. Can’t accept that responsibility. I envy you work, you wake up every morning, you like what you do. Does that not limit you? In the end, does that not limit you? A god. A book. A child. I must leave something behind. A feeling. And I have this feeling, this HORRIBLE feeling that, no matter what I do, life goes on, that we have lived once, that we aren’t now, I am so sorry, I could not save myself, you are always with me, even in this silly town,. the best way to forget you is to sleep. I dreamt of you last night. Naked. A corpse on a table. I took out your underwear. Pushed it in a corner. Opened the door. Let the stink out.
I           burnt    your     body  in          water    and       alcohol. Locked my heart with it. Stashed it between four boards. Don’t worry, love. My mind is cooler now. Come here boy! Must see it to believe it! Pissing Shiting Breaking its neck It’s a hotty It’s the best This life This death This skin This huge black mole This crashed little bug This gnurled tissue This filth This god These claws. This is how the future is saved This is how it is not saved This is how nobody calls my name not my name never my name This is how I left This is how I never left This is how I buy flowers for the angels buried in my head This is how I pay them to blow up the hours, the hour, THE HOUR, leaking silly, always forward, alway forward…
 
I advised you not to swim.
 
You did.
You drowned.
You died.
Your voice. Not mine.
 
 
 
 
 
Today, we are black lines drawn on my paper.
 
This is my voice
 
And this is you
Looking.
Never talking.
Exaggerating our ability to imagine.
We
Sharing nothing
My body, my blood.
Waisted time.
 
You left.
Still here.
I left.
Still here.
Can you fall in love with words?
 
Finally, I can breathe.
Spit you out of my mouth.
Piss you out of my sex.
In your absence
 
 
 
Look at      us.
 
Crushing each other.
Devouring our exquisite lips
Expired reality.
So?
 
What are you waiting for?
 
Now?
Now.
 
I end this.
 
 
 
This is us.
 
Listening to music.
We jump. We float.
 
I close your eyes.
 
Wednesday.
15.00
 
 
Our                      ears                       disintegrate.
Ozana Budau:
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