In the world of dating, there are a variety of attractive people that look like wonderful prospective mates. By being logical and practical, you can tailor your search for "the one" by being true to yourself and knowing what you need and want in a mate. Just because a person is attractive to you (whether it be mentally or physically), doesn’t necessarily mean that they are the best choice for a long-term mate. By staying positive, taking time to know the person you’re interested in and observing their behaviors in a variety of settings, you will be well equipped to make a decision on whether this person is right for you or not. Here are some thoughts on observing and screening that have been helpful to myself and others I know.
First, determine what qualities in a mate are most important to you. What kind of personality goes best with yours, laid back, outgoing, a homebody, or ? Be true to yourself. What you like and what you can live with comfortably may be two different things altogether. I dated a man who was highly outgoing, for example. He was the life of the party and everyone looked up to him. In the four years we were together, we got along fine superficially but his need to socialize all the time contrasted with my liking to be alone together, at home. He was too wild for me, and I was too much a homebody for him. Be true to what your interests are and find a middle ground if your styles are different. In my case, a middle ground couldn’t be reached. But if someone’s a keeper, their styles of relating to the world must compliment yours. The closer your styles match, the better. Sometimes opposites attract, but those who work it out or are similar have a better chance of staying together.
Don’t get caught up on looks. The older you get, they will fade and so it’s important to pay attention to the personality behind that pretty face. Are they compassionate? Do they care about your feelings, about the feelings of others, or are they more self-focused? Is this a person who could honestly be there for you when you are sick? Do they have the initiative to help out or do they prefer to watch others do hard work? It pays to be brutally honest in your assessment of others, attractive is as attractive does. Some of my most crazy boyfriends in my youth, were also the most physically stunning specimens of manhood. One was a tall, gorgeous young man but unfortunately, he had the common sense and morality of a box of rocks. He preened his hair, his crowning glory, in every mirror and reflection he could find. Twenty years later, he no longer has that hair, but his ego is still going strong. I looked at who he is presently, when we ran into one another one day last year, and while listening to him brag, I wondered what ever did I see in the guy besides that pretty face? Not much. Time taught me that my values in my youth were immature and uninformed. Attraction is important to some extent, but don’t let it override common sense and practicality when looking for someone who is truly fitted to your personality.
Observe your date when they are really, truly hopping mad. Not just annoyed, I mean really angry. Do they go off like a bomb, ranting and raving? Do they talk it out or handle the matter in a mature way? Anger management is an issue of major importance. How do they treat other people and also, how do they treat animals? There is a proven correllation between abusive people being cruel to animals in their past. Anyone who is cruel to animals should be ruled out, as this gives a good indication that this person isn’t respectful of those who aren’t able to stand up for themselves. This goes beyond being an animal rights issue, it’s a safety one. People who use aggression against others, animal or human, should be avoided. How does the person treat his or her parents? Are they respectful, do they get along, and if they don’t, can they reach a happy medium and not argue all the time? How a person relates to family gives an idea of what kind of life they are used to living, and how they are used to relating with others.
Focus on the issues that matter, not the lesser ones like taste in clothing or driving an old car. Minor issues don’t matter, clothing can be changed, a new car can be bought..or not. Don’t set out to change who you are with, rather, see who you can feel comfortable being with based on deeper, more important issues such as personality compatability, common interests and goals. If you want children, does your prospective partner want them too? This is a big issue, and not to be taken lightly. The more stronger this person feels about their stance on this issue determines whether they are someone aligned with your thinking. If they may want children, and you do, compromise may work it out. But, if they are not at all interested and you definitely do want kids, it is best to look elsewhere. Trying to change someone to think other than their beliefs can cause resentment and hostility. I know a woman who wanted to marry her boyfriend so badly, that she stopped taking birth control secretly and got pregnant, knowing that he had no interest in having children. They did marry but he never, ever forgave her for it, and last time I talked to her, they were still on the verge of divorce after ten years of fighting. Needless to say, it’s best to be honest and true on this subject at all times.
How does your date handle money, and can you live with their style? Money differences can make or break relationships. Be honest with eachother on your spending habits. Is this person a saver or a spender? What type are you? Can the two of you merge your styles successfully? If you love to shop and your significant other resents it, then it could be a problem unless the two of you come to an agreement on the matter. If there are two incomes, then spending the money on the household needs to be done as a team. If you are the only person working, do you mind if the other person stays at home while you work? It is a matter of values and how you both handle it together. Ignoring money has a way of coming back to bite you in the derriere if ignored. A couple my parents once knew had everything, they lived well and everyone thought they were doing well. Until the day when they declared bankruptcy due to the wife casually spending $500,000 they didn’t have on needless luxuries over the course of a few years. The husband (an attorney) didn’t speak up and overworked himself into oblivion until his health gave way. He got caught funnelling money out of his clients accounts and lost his attorney’s license permanently. They lost everything, the house, the cars, the private schools for all their kids. And, their marriage blew apart, too. This is an extreme example, but a true story, you get the idea. Money did them in because they didn’t communicate or handle money as a team. It pays to be practical and avoid those who cannot control their spending habits.
In the singles world, there is someone for everyone. Our job is to find one, it only takes one, to make a life with. If your goal is to settle down, then remember to enjoy your search but think carefully about your final choice. Look for the person most suited to you but don’t expect perfection, as there is no such thing as perfect in this world. When you find that special someone, it will be worth all the looking. Remember to be true to yourself and think with your head, not just your heart. I wish you the best.
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