That collective sigh of relief that radiates across the country every summer as graduates head off to school or launch brand new careers is sometimes cut short in mid-sigh as the kids stride right back into their parents’ lives.
Stan and Barbara Peterson had just begun to savor pleasures they had enjoyed when they were first married: impromptu weekends away from home, lazy Sunday breakfasts, and the strains of Beethoven instead of the Smashing Pumpkins floating through the house.
But just as Barbara was about to turn Jim’s old room into a sewing room, he reclaimed his space. “We had just begun to enjoy our independence when Jim decided to attend the local university and save money by living at home,” says Stan.
The Petersons have lots of company. Almost half of adult children between 18 and 24 live with their parents, according to the U.S. Census Bureau (56 percent of men and 43 percent of women).
This evolving trend is one part of a series of emerging trends. People are postponing marriage until a later age; advanced education is becoming necessary; housing costs are skyrocketing; the job market has tightened; and divorce statistics have leaped upward. Any one of these factors can send an adult child back to the family nest.
In some cases, the return home is a positive experience. Robert and May White received the proverbial knock on the door from their 27-year-old daughter, deeply in debt after a three-year stint in school. She found a job teaching, but needed to save money to buy a car. The three happily co-existed in the family home for several years.
Another says her experience as an adult child living at home actually helped her prepare for life on her own. “Once I was working, I had to help by paying room and board,” she said. “But it was still cheaper living at home than being on my own.”
All retreats to the family homestead are not positive, however. In most cases, in fact, a child’s return causes friction. The book, The Not-So-Empty Nest, reported that out of 250 households interviewed for the publication, only five families said they were “completely content” living together under one roof.
Parents usually are willing to provide a haven for a child who needs to save money or recovered from a bad relationship or health problem. The welcome mat can be pulled back, however, when the conflicts become too much to bear.
After one woman, who was widowed, moved from her large farmhouse to a smaller house in town, son Tom’s second marriage had hit the skids. He asked to stay with mom while he put his life back together.
He moved into the basement and soon resumed the lifestyle he had adopted after he left home the first time more than 10 years before, a lifestyle that soon clashed severely with his mother’s—coming home drunk in the wee hours and using drugs. Although his mother appreciated the financial contribution he made, she couldn’t live with the rest. Tom left after several confrontations.
When children leave home, the lifestyles they learned at their parents’ homes don’t always leave with them. They often develop different sets of values and conflicting philosophies of life. Even the kind of food mother had served may pale compared to pizza and fast food they’ve become used to. In one case, an adult child had become a strict vegetarian and rebelled against his mother’s traditional cooking after he returned home when he could no longer afford his apartment.
Another child always had shared the conservative political views espoused by his family. After a couple of years at a state university, his views had become more liberal. When he moved back home, tensions became so strained that dinnertime discussions became battlegrounds.
Other parents chafe under less substantial, but not less irritating conflicts: loud rock music, a bathroom littered with wet towels, untidy bedrooms, skyrocketing food bills.
The situations don’t have to be as grim as these scenarios suggest. Put-upon parents can take heart by realizing that the conflicts aren’t unresolvable. In most cases, common-sense solutions exist. There should be a plan that both parties agree on—a contract, written or unwritten, that covers curfew, rent, full payment for any expenses, house rules, and depending on the situation, a workable timeline.
It’s necessary to set standards. This means spelling out clearly what is acceptable behavior and enforcing the consequences of inappropriate behavior. Don’t be afraid to lay down rules. Parents don’t have to accept intolerable behavior. Make sure the child knows there are boundaries that can’t be crossed. You are not curtailing the child’s rights. Remember, you have rights, too.
And what about money? The key is to communicate about it. To avoid money quarrels, discuss openly who pays for what. Don’t be shy about insisting that a child who’s working contributes to the household expenses.
If the conflicts persist in spite of your efforts, most cities have family counseling services that can help parents and children work out the problems.
No matter what brought the child home, there comes a time when the “visit” must come to a close. It was, after all, only temporary. Be especially sensitive to when the child has stayed long enough. Realize why the child is at home in the first place. If parents begin to feel exploited, or feel that the kids are getting too comfortable, it may be time to force them to get on with acting like adults. –