AMERICA FANGED: THE VAMPIRE IN CONTEMPORARY AMERICAN SOCIETY
By Richard A. Cooper
Americans were shocked to learn there were vampires walking in daylight amongst them. We had thought vampires to be fictional monsters. Then they were described by academics, politicians and journalists as tormented souls with problems of loneliness and eternal boredom. The vampires emerged from the depths of prejudice and persecution to reveal their true identities. Looking back we can barely grasp the amazing varieties of the vampire emergence in America and the reactions of the larger society.
American entrepreneurs responded to the Vampire challenge with seminars such as "Suckers: How I Learned To Love Vampire Consumers." New magazines met the aching thirst of Vampire readers: Today’s Vampire, The Vampire Progressive, Neo-conservative Vampire, Vampire Liquid Diets and Vampire Crypt & Gardens.
Lonely Vampires seeking their own swamped the personals classified sections of general interest publications, leading to the formation of Vampire No Hearts Clubs and other Vampire dating services. Vampire singles weekends followed. Many vampires visited Congress, the Internal Revenue Service and Federal Reserve Board headquarters in Washington for inspiration. Vampire Church services appeared in declining congregations with uninspiring ministers eager to attract new parishioners. But they did tend to lose some of their janitors.
In academia, Vampire Studies appeared in many universities, with great appeal to those with political correct inclinations. At first, undergraduates were content with courses taught by scholars of literature. But underemployed Vampire graduate students with a raised political consciousness and a need to require undergraduates to read their obscure, dogmatic and boring prose discovered the reactionary horror of Vampire studies taught by non-Vampires. Agitated and agitating, they organized demonstrations and marches demanding that Vampire Studies be taught only by Vampires. They would, of course, take on the burden from the college administrations of selecting qualified Vampire Studies instructors. Marxism, welfare liberalism, conservatism, and corporate welfare were held up as exemplars of vampirism in social thought and action. Some observers, myself included, had discovered this long ago.
A new "War on Drugs" began with the usual scare stories about the alleged harmful effects of garlic consumption, how it led inevitably to criminal behavior and impotence. This was followed by dark mutterings about the "garlic cartel" and the dark-skinned, evil-smelling foreigners responsible for the "garlic trade." Left-wingers (Vampires) produced documentaries showing the garlic trade to be linked with the CIA and Big Business, while Right-wingers (Vampires) put out newsletters showing the garlic trade to be linked with Castro, homosexuality and Communism. Drug warriors threw themselves into the War on Garlic with gusto, and proclaimed the need for "zero tolerance of garlic use, sale and possession." We did have to break diplomatic relations with Italy, Spain and France, but we were told by our Vampire statesmen (a redundant expression, to be sure) that this was a small price to pay for a "garlic-free society."
It was hardly necessary to have a Vampire Caucus in the US Congress as it was already dominated by Vampires in both major political parties. One leading political Vampire proclaimed "Vampirism is American conservatism incarnate" while his Democrat Vampire counterpart hissed "We can have a soulful, progressive, compassionate Vampirism to lead America in the twenty-first century, with an activist Vampire government." Of course, that was another redundant expression.
Perceptive observers noted that vampirism circulated widely amongst Americans with differing politics, styles, and cultural tastes. They realized that political philosophy had mostly been a covert apologetic for vampirism and political practice was vampirism itself. Vampirism certainly seemed to have been the unstated norm for much of human existence both primitive and "civilized." Nor was it exclusively American.
Who could be at the door? "Wow, Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani. I didn’t think you two hung together. Sure, I would like to be dinner with you. Don’t you mean, have dinner with you?" -30-