Imagine a world where each individual is more kind to oneself. Imagine a world where each individual has the power to connect with himself and to connect to the world through that experience. Imagine a world where each individual is given not only the responsibility to affect his own life, but also the tools to do it. Would you become afraid if you realized that you actually have the power to affect your own life according to what is true to yourself?
30 years, 10.950 days, 262.800 hours of suffering. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, they said. No, it just cannot be… Sorry, guys. Not for me. And I still don’t believe in that light at the end of the tunnel. Instead, I believe in the light in the tunnel – a flaming torch in my hand while pushing through. I see neither an end nor a beginning of suffering. That’s just life. I recall the clarity in the moment of making the choice whether to live or not.
When was the last time I embraced the present moment? Have I ever? For a second I closed my eyes, and someone stared back at me. This young girl was barely breathing – completely paralyzed by the lack of power. Her parents had left her, why she didn’t understand. Eventually, she and her mother reunited in another country and with another man.
This man became a good husband and a good father, compared to her real father. The latter one spread destruction wherever he put his feet down – he lied, stole, cheated, drove recklessly and drank lots of alcohol. He made the little girl feel so bad about herself that she starved into anorexia. Eventually she settled down with a man – she did everything in order for him not to leave her.
She replaced herself with what she thought to be the needs of others. As the final gesture of giving myself away I became pregnant. After several months into pregnancy I miscarried. It was a painful awakening… First I ran, of course. But at some point I stopped. I couldn’t go back, and I couldn’t move any further. I had to deal with myself. Or die.
At the time of awakening I was still going to work, not really contributing in any way. My supervisor offered me a week of vacation on a small island. Looking back, it was a journey to myself. Before I left, a friend of mine came by with a DVD containing a selection of meditations and teachings. I have never tried anything like that before, and that was the first time I allowed myself to reach out for a helping hand. It turned my life around. “Meditactics – meditation from the perspective of science, health and spirituality” it said on the DVD.
Finally I arrived to the island. There were no people in sight, just the ocean and I. I began to listen to “Meditation for beginners” by Jack Kornfield (Folder “(3) [TOOLS] Meditation- Practice & Teachings” on the DVD) – my first soul to soul encounter. Thank you, Jack, for the loving kindness of your teachings. Thank you for the gentle embrace that makes room for everything to be as it is. The second part of “Meditation for beginners” broke me down – a good thing.
It was the first time in all of these years I was able to meet my own reflection. It was the first time I could look myself into the eyes and say: “Hello, I see you”. The words are not enough to express the vast inner transformation that followed. Since the island, I’ve been meditating together with Pema Chodron, Tara Brach, Jon Kabat-Zinn and various teachers. The flaming torch I’ve been holding in my hand since the island is the life itself discovered through meditation. The inner transformation has given outer changes. For example, the concept of time has changed. Now, by being aware of what I am doing, and doing it seemingly slow, I get much more done than ever before. I’m focused during the experience of doing something and thus I’m good at making wise decisions.
The time lasts longer! Also, I’ve learned a new language – a language of emotions and thoughts. It is a great tool in gaining a distance to what happens to my mind and being able to handle it; the down periods are not that frightening anymore. “I”, whatever “I” is, can make a choice of how to react or at least understand why I react in a certain way; it is certainly useful when craving for something or someone overpowers me.
I have become better at distinguishing mine feelings and thoughts from those of yours – one of the keys, I think, to a patient and pure interaction with others. I’m less eager in acting upon different events in my life, not everything needs a solution right now and maybe I’m not the one to solve it. I feel that events and states of my mind come and pass like the waves of the ocean. Change and duality is the nature of life and I am comfortable with it.
I transform the life around me through the transformation of my own. I have become more open and vulnerable – the greatest fear of all. It has become easier for me to accept my father’s actions, to have compassion for things that I don’t really understand but can accept through realizing his conditioning. I have improved the relation to my mother, I can separate her fears from my own and we can talk about it. Me and my spouse are trying to work it out, I would never had thought that he would try meditation – I am happy he did. Myself is more comfortable with being who I am. I am not suppressing my strengths or weaknesses; instead, I make them work together. I don’t know your story. But I can honestly tell you that this DVD contains all you need to engage in some serious work on dealing with yourself. If you are like me considering about choosing life, do so with Meditactics.
Sincerely yours,
A human being
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