As a single parent, dating can be rather difficult. Especially if your child(ren) is still recovering from the divorce. He/she would think that you should still be together with mom/dad. However, it takes time for children to realize the reality of marriage. At times it just doesn’t work. Around ten years ago at least, the divorce rate in the United States was between sixty-seventy percent. That’s a pretty large percentage right there. Though the rate might’ve increased or decreased within time, the fact still remains the same: being a single parent and being able to date is a rather adversarial challenge.
This is where the parenting part comes in. In situations such as this, your child can easily become spoiled. Not by you initially but with who or whomever you are seeing. But it gets rather interesting if and when both parents are dating other people. I happen to be the only child of a single parent. However after my mom got divorced from my father a long time ago, she didn’t date anymore. It’s been over two decades. But I have three cousins whose parents are divorced and I end up hearing all the "juicy" details from my mom.
My cousin who is a year younger than me has a mother, a step-mother, a father, and a step-father. I do not know much about the step-mother, but I’ve known the step-father for a long time. Before my other cousin(my cousin’s brother) was born, his step-father would buy all sorts of toys for him. The concept is nothing new but over the years, it’s grown far worse. Especially with the flow of information out in the world today along the fact that kids can easily pick up things from other people. To buy my cousin’s affection, he went and bought him toys and gave him money. In the long run, my cousin turned out to be a jerk believing that he’s "entitled" to things. Ironically, the mother and the step-mother divorced around ’04.
It’s a form of bribery. Give "gifts" and money to get the child’s affection. I didn’t really know how bad it was until just recently. My other cousin who is about eleven years old is going through the same thing. Her parents recently split up around ’05 and her mother is seeing another person.
She didn’t have that many electronic devices until now. I didn’t inquire until I saw my cousin with a Sony Playstation Portable or PSP for short. Those things cost about three-hundred dollars. I was curious about who had bought it for her and why. I’ve seen her and her cousins on her mother’s side with electronic devices and they do not take good care of them and end up broken or not functioning properly. My mom happens to babysit her most of the week again. Whenever my mom drops my cousin off at her mother’s, she easedrops on some of the gossip. It turned out that the guy my aunt is seeing at the moment put in half of his paycheck to buy my cousin the PSP and he has kids of his own. Months before, my cousin’s mom had bought her a Nintendo DS which costs about two-hundred dollars.
Though it’s bribery, I’m pretty sore about the fact that she has all these cool portable consoles while I can’t afford them at the moment. Instead of whining and complaining about it, I decided to inquire more about it. Though I still feel she has no business with a Nintendo DS nor a Sony PSP knowing she’s not going to take very good care of them in the near future.
Then I learned that my cousin has a cousin whose parents have split up as well and she doesn’t like her mom’s current boyfriend. Like the person my aunt is seeing, her sister’s boyfriend is doing the same thing. My cousin was asking me about the Playstation 3, X-Box 360, and the Nintendo Wii. I explained that personally, I’m waiting for the Nitnendo Wii because of the affordability. And she wanted to know how much the Playstation 3 cost, which I said that it costs about five to six hundred dollars. And my cousin said that to her cousin thinks that anything under a thousand dollars is cheap.
The moral of the story is that if you’re a single parent and dating, you have to learn to say no. Everything has to have a limit. Though their affection is bought with gifts and money, it can become quite detrimental in the future. Especially if both parents are dating. Children today are learning things at a much faster rate than adults nowadays. As a single parent, you must learn how to run your life and not let your child(ren) run your life for you as they’re a big factor in what makes or breaks a relationship.
If the person you’re seeing wants to give your kids gifts, it’s all right. But don’t let him/her overdo it. The kids will demand more and more and in the future they’ll become spoiled and materalistic. Though buying affection seems to be the easy way but it’s not the right way. Usually taking the quick route will come and haunt you in the long run. The chances are strong that the relationship will end. If and when you get into another relationship, it’s deja vu. The next person you go out with, they’ll probably try to buy your children’s affection with gifts and money too seeing as they pose as a critical road block in a relationship.
The trick is finding "balance" between the two. You’re entitled to love and romance but have a responsibility to the children as well. You can be a single parent but you can still date but it takes effort of balancing out children and personal life. But, it’s well worth it. For each person that you’re seeing, don’t let them shower your children with expensive gifts and sums of money as it will put a dent in your future relationships. Plus, it’ll fuel your children’s materialism. You can’t give into your children’s demands. At the same time, you absolutely cannot alienate your children which is just as bad as the former.
Affection can be bought but it gets accumulative. It’s very similar to the method of appeasement. Appeasement doesn’t work on everybody. On most children of single parents, appeasement will not work on them. Remember children learn from other children, both the good and the bad. Especially the bad such as playing people. Once the parent realizes what is going on, it’s pretty much too late. What I learned from one of my history professors that appeasement doesn’t work on everybody. He added that it didn’t work on Saddam Hussein.
You can continue to take the easy way and allow them to spoil your children. But it can only take you so far. Keep in mind that appeasement does not really guarantee affection nor does it help with bonding. A Playstation 3 or any other expensive item does not mean bonding. As I mentioned, the relationship isn’t neccessarily going to last. Your children will probably do the same old song and dance with your next boyfriend or girlfriend. Relationship ends, find a new person, cycle starts all over again.
Instead of whomever you’re dating showering them with gifts, have he/she take the kids out to dinner, a theme park, a play, an exhibit, or any public outing. It’ll allow for them to bond. And if you’re going out to dinner, go out to a restaurant that caters to families. That way you won’t compromise your personal life and at the same time not alienate your children. It’s a more positive approach of balancing out the two and not have to worry about whomever you’re dating unintentionally spoiling your children rotten.
On a final note, talk to your children as possible as often. Remember that not all relationships work out. When you’re dating, it doesn’t mean you’re going to marry that person. And children need to understand that. Of course it’ll take a lot of time and effort, but in the end it all balances out.
Depending on what action you take, it will have a major psychological affect on your children in the future. Allow them to spoil your children with gifts and your children will become spoiled rotten. Take a more positive approach such as group outings and your chilren will learn much more positive things.
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