Chapter 3
My Ma was pushed into the operating theatre in the A & E Department, while I waited anxiously outside. I breathed heavily throughout, counting my every gasp.
It took forever for the door to open. I dashed towards the doctor, my heart ready to explode should there be negative news.
The doctor nonchalantly said, “The patient’s out of danger. Don’t worry. But, we’ll need to run further tests.”
I managed a faint smile.
“The patient lost consciousness, probably due to exhaustion. Don’t worry. We will know after tomorrow’s X-ray.”
“My Ma has kidney failure.”
“I know. I’ve read the patient’s file.”
I frowned. “Doctor, how much do we need to pay?”
“That depends. Don’t worry, you can use your Medisave.”
He had said “Don’t worry” three times, but each time he said those words, it got me more worried, instead.
“My Ma has no CPF. Neither do I.”
The doctor explained in a slow, careful tone.
“Then, you’ll have to pay the bills with cash. Talk to your father about it, okay? I’m sorry. I need to attend to other patients. You can have all your questions answered at the counter.”
“I don’t have a father.” I whispered. But, the doctor had walked off.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Throughout the rest of the day, I cried.
For the first time since I last remembered, my tears flowed without control. I felt them on my cheeks, as they made their way to my chin. I made no attempt to stop them.
Alone, I crouched into the foetal position on my bed. I wished I had money saved for a rainy day like this. But, I was not sad just because of the bills I had to settle. I was more worried for my Ma’s health. Was her kidney problem worsening?
I rolled over to my side to face the window. A lightning streaked across the skies, followed by a deafening thunder.
I got out of my bed. I should be in school now. However, with all the chaotic feelings, there was no way I could act normal. I decided that I might as well cut classes and visit my Ma, instead.
Half an hour later, I had reached the hospital. At the ward, the doctor – whom I found out to be Doctor Neubronner – handed me the test results.
“Brain cancer,” he said matter-of-factly, “But, it’s only in the early stages. We can remove the tumour by operation. Chances of recovery are pretty high. But, as with any surgery, there are risks involved…” A sigh of relief swept through me, even as I wondered how I could solve the new problem at hand. An operation would cost more than mere hospitalisation. I had no choice but to give the doctor the go-ahead. I would raise money, somehow.
The doctors operated my Ma the next day, while I was away in school. I told no one about it. I chose to bury my problems within my heart. One day, as I have warned myself millions of times before, I would explode.
The operation was successful, but my Ma had to recuperate in the hospital for a while. The next few days passed by in a wink. Whenever I was alone, I battled with my emotions; I willed myself not to cry, but to tough it out. Many times, I sat at the quiet spots I could find, thinking of the many things that have caused my world to collapse for no reason.
Cancer. I went to the library to search for more information about the disease. I wondered how I could make my Ma feel better. I did not find much useful information on that. However, I found something else.
I found Destiny there.
Yes, the beautiful Destiny whom I had erased from my memory.
She patted my back with a thud. I dropped the thick volume on cancer treatments.
Seeing her raised my spirits, but I was also reminded of two hideous words skulking in the back of my mind: “Not yet”.
She bent over and picked the book up.
“Cancer?” her brown pupils dilated in shock.
I yanked the book out of her grasp and placed it back on the shelf.
“Wrong book.” I forced a smile. “So, what’re you doing here?”
“Borrowing books, I’d think.” she chirped.
I still could not believe that a cheerful girl like her had attempted to end her life before.
“And you?” she asked in return.
“Same.” I replied coolly and wondered what else to say.
“So… you are going off soon?” she asked, as she caught me stealing a peek at the exit.
“Not yet.”
Not yet.
Not yet!?
Gosh! I really wish all the books would rain on me now and bury me on the spot, covering up my abashment.
I frowned, but she started laughing. She covered her mouth, catching on to the joke.
“You’re cute.” she blurted while giggling.
I knew my face must have turned the colour of beetroot. “Thanks.” I said.
I cleared my throat, while searching frantically for something smart to say. I recalled the book she had introduced to me before.
“Is ‘Twist of Kismet’ any good?”
She avoided my glare for a second, and then gave an uneasy smile. “Yeah.”
An awkward silence ensued.
“So, what’s it about?” I asked.
“Erm… Read it yourself. I don’t wanna give spoilers.”
I paused as I fiddled with my thumbs.
“Care for a cup of coffee?” she offered.
I shook my head. Even coffee money had to be saved up for the hospital bills.
Destiny did not bother to hide her disappointment. She frowned, apparently hurt by my answer. Bluntly, she added, “I’ve got to go then. See you around.”
I stared at her walking off, upset at my predicament. Before I could stop myself, I heard myself shouting, “Hey! Coffee?”
Breaking the silence, my words echoed loudly down the hall. I saw Destiny stopped in her tracks. In a split second, she turned and nodded excitedly.
I felt for my wallet in my back pocket. This had better be worth it.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“You’re quite a mysterious girl.” I muttered, while staring at my cup of coffee. It was the cheapest item on the menu.
“Why?” she sounded shocked.
“The way you talk sounds different.”
She playfully gurgled the coffee in her mouth and, finally, swallowed it in a gulp.
“Yes. You know, about destiny and such.”
She nodded silently. Then, her eyes seared through me.
“No school today?”
“Just released.” Today, coincidentally, was also my off day from work. Coincidence? Destiny? Geez! I must have been influenced by her oddness.
“Do you wonder why I am jobless…? Why I said those stuff…?”
I nodded; at the same time, worried that I might hurt her feelings.
“Treat me like a normal lady from now on. Promise?” she pulled out her last finger.
Our last finger crossed in harmony.
“Promise.” I said happily.
She was so beautiful… her eyes exuded so much tenderness. Once in a while, she would flick her hair back before allowing those strands to cascade over her eyes. Then, she would sweep them back and throw her head back in laughter.
“Where do you live?”
“Boon Lay South Extension.” I answered. “Really near. About fifteen minutes’ walk.”
She nodded and updated me without my asking. “I live in Jurong North.”
“Oh!” she added, “with my Dad, in case you are wondering.”
I nodded silently, as I felt I could share with her.
“I lost my Pa a few years ago.”
Perhaps to comfort me, she declared, “I lost my mum a few years after I was born.”
“Seems like we’re in the same boat.” I said.
She appeared to be weighing my words.
“You look pretty mature. But, maybe, it’s because I haven’t seen you in your school uniform.” she commented and chuckled out loud.
I laughed along. “I know. That day, I actually wanted to lie that I’m 28 years old. But, I know I have a baby face…”
That brought on another peal of laughter from her.
“You’re a good friend” Destiny remarked, all of a sudden.
“Thanks.” I smiled.
Ask for her number! Ask for her number! I reminded myself.
“So…” I stuttered. “num.. num..ber?”
“Huh?” she raised her eyebrows.
I paused to catch my breath. Clearing my throat loudly, I asked, “Erm… number of times you’ve been here?”
What the hell? Number of times you’ve been here? What the hell am I talking about?
“Countless.” she answered, seemingly puzzled by my questions. “Alright then, Alan, I’ve got to go. Let’s allow destiny to take over from now on.”
She placed her index and middle fingers on her lips and then rested them lightly on my forehead.
“Can I have your phone number?” I murmured in panic, avoiding her eyes.
But, it was too late. She had briskly walked to the exit of the café by then. She glanced back, waved a quick goodbye and then disappeared into the crowd.
I slumped back on the chair, defeated. I looked at my surroundings. The cups, the lights, the floor, the wall, the strangers around me… What had just happened?
I had fallen in love with this girl called Destiny… She was five years older than me, had a strange attitude towards life and was jobless.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The first thing I did when I reached home was to call Pierre. I supposed no one has read more novels than him. He could not recall ‘Twist of Kismet’ offhand, but he promised to help me find it. I begged him to find it fast within that day, and he acquiesced without question.
I was lost in my thoughts again. If that feeling was really love… how could I see her again? I did not even have her contact number… and then, somehow, or rather, I could not help but feel there was this barrier between us… No, it was not because of our age gap, but because of the secrets that I felt she was concealing. There was no way, absolutely no way, that I could read her mind.
That was why I searched for the book ‘Twist of Kismet’. That book might contain hints to the secrets buried in her heart. I hate reading fiction because I have always felt that it was make-believe. Honestly, the most famous author I have come across is the Enid whatever… he or she wrote those children’s fiction. And, I have not read any of those stuffs for ages, now. I would rather experience real life than escape into the world of fantasy.
I took a quick bath, afraid that I would miss Pierre’s call. Pierre is the kind of guy who never makes empty promises. If he said he was going to call back, he would, even if he could not find the book I wanted.
Seconds turned into minutes. Minutes turned into hours. Finally, the phone rang. I scampered towards it, praying that it would be Pierre.
“Hey, Alan, it’s called ‘Twist of Kismet’, right? There’s just the gold-stamped title on the white cover with lots of little red hearts, yes?” Pierre’s voice boomed into my ears.
“I don’t know,” I admitted sheepishly. “Is the title ‘Twist of Kismet’? Can I borrow it?”
“Alan, this Kismet book is a romance thingy. You know, boy kisses girl. Then, the girl kisses the boy. You’re interested in this kind of book?”
I took a deep breath, and said curtly, “I need it for research purposes. Stop asking stupid questions!”
“Okay, okay, it’s all yours, Alan!” Pierre chuckled.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
My schedule was always packed. Classes stretched from the morning till afternoon, and I had to work from the afternoon till midnight. Rarely did my schedule change.
However, I could not resist the lure of the book ‘Twist of Kismet’. While the teacher was discussing his theories with graphs and charts, I secretly read it under the table. When he ordered us to do the assignments, I finished them in half the time I usually took, just so I could continue reading the book. In any case, I have never brought assignments home, as I was always too busy working at Nepalideli.
Chapters after chapters, I got more and more engrossed into the story. It was addictive.
A few of my classmates asked about my strange behaviour, wondering what had caused me to read, all of a sudden. I had simply replied, “I’ve always like to read.” But, they would scramble to see the cover, before dropping their jaws in shock. I ignored them, since I was doing it for Destiny.
I never told anyone about Destiny.
Two reasons. Firstly, I did not know when I would see her again. Secondly, I had this feeling that this fantasy relationship was next to impossible.
Next to impossible. Not totally impossible.
Not yet.
Like I said., it was “Not yet”.
She was always on my mind. Dreams without her image were nightmares. However, dreams with her saddened me, as well, because I knew I would wake up to find that it was unreal. I constantly reminded myself: It was just a crush. Like the numerous times before.
But, then again, I asked myself: Have my crushes ever been so potent? Can crushes make me feel so weird and wonderful, all at once? Can crushes wrench my heart like this?
I knew it was more than just a crush. I wanted to find Destiny. There was no way, though. The previous encounters were all fated. We met each other by coincidence.
In desperation, I made a prayer to the open heavens, since I had no Gods to turn to. It was a prayer that I had never ever made before. I wished Fate would do its job.
Perhaps, it was ‘Twist of Kismet’ that made me believe in Fate. The story was about a couple who met and fell madly in love after meeting at the hospital where they were attached to, after graduation from medical school. They were planning to get married until the female lead – a head nurse called Kismet – came down with SARS after contracting it through a patient.
The male protagonist – also a nurse – Kolbee vowed to hold on to their wedding plans. Unfortunately, Kismet never did get well. She got weaker and weaker and, after two pain-racked weeks in the hospital, she left the world without a last word for him.
Kolbee was crushed beyond words. He wanted to give up his job, his life. Nobody could change his mind. That was when Kismet came to him in a dream. Kolbee was to find another girl. The novel ended with the final sentence uttered by Kismet, “Find a girl to love for now. In the next life, we will renew our vows of love.”
I was immune to this kind of endings. Sad, but I knew it was nothing but just fiction made up by some creative author with an overactive imagination. Low Kay Hwa… that was the author’s name. Not a bad writer, but nothing to rave about either.
There were no hints in the book. What was Destiny trying to tell me? It was too mind-boggling. But, there was one related point… After learning that she had contracted SARS, the girl had wanted to commit suicide by jumping off a building. That was just what Destiny would have done, if I had not stopped her that day.
Before retiring for the night, I flipped through the pages again, combing for more clues. There were no other clues. I was on the verge of giving up, on my third re-reading. The results were the same: There was nothing within that would solve the mystery of a girl called Destiny.