The anatomy of abuse can come in many ugly forms: verbal, physical, psychological, and emotional. Much of the abuse usually stems from when according to George Rolph’s book The Anatomy of Abuse, he cites that abusers are actors who use normal behavior to cover up their problem. People with abusive personalities tend to start off with the littlest form of abuse and that’s mental meaning they’ll begin to break the person down to the point that the abusee can’t really defend themselves and starts to believe the things that the abuser tells them. The abusee notices that the person they’re with goes from the loving and caring role to this monster of a person switching between a Jekyll and Hyde-type personality. This is not a difficult point to understand because anyone who has fallen in love is full aware of the fact that a relationship is a commitment of trust, time and emotional energy. The victim normally has to deal with the abuser accusing them of all kinds of things from cheating to not giving that person something they want. Abusive personalities stem from a form of self hate and usually this level of self-depreciation is hard for them to deal with as well. Abusers are often afraid and embarrassed at their violent outbursts, but the high level of denial prevents them from addressing such issues.
Having been in two abusive relationships myself I studied the pattern of my abusive boyfriends and both of them came from two parent homes, and both were products of interracial marriages and one actually witnessed his father abusing his mother and the other never grew up with a father who was abusive, but learned that was the way to treat a woman in the streets. Abusers are almost often described as selfish, self-centered basically an all about me mentality. Abusers will often be nice and caring only when they wanted something and once that need was met the abuse started right back up again. In a few cases some will abuse others by proxy which happens to show up mostly in females and in rare cases men. Women will resort to abusing someone more as a means to get attention and you will have men who’ll do the same thing. Humiliation is another way an abuser can control their victim by degrading them in front of people and even resorting to this behavior in private as well. Abusers think that everything they say is right and abusees over time will start to believe the things. From my own experience the man I was dating told me that “I should be glad to have a man, and that someone paid attention to me”, this was the classic sign of slandering my character in private because he knew that the time we had together was dwindling and that he wasn’t going to have a chance to further destroy what was left of me. Accusing the victim of things like infidelity is very common among the traits of what abusers do to the person to further break them down.
It’s a sad reality when abusers get to the point that they feel it’s necessary to tell him or her that nobody wants them because this is where the abusers start to learn that it’s a matter of time before the control they once had is completely been taken away from them. Abuse isn’t something that you should take lightly this can be serious and even life threatening in some cases. If you leave a spouse or partner and the relationship was abusive your first priority is your safety and the safety of your children or pets (if there are any) and getting out of the home and staying with trusted family and friends. There’s a lot of resources out there that can help you and even direct you to legal resources to obtain restraining orders and divorces(if married). Part of escaping the abuse is to tell yourself that your life will be better without the abuse.