Everybody Needs a Spokesperson
Written by a Spokesperson for Dr. Russell Riendeau
“… a spokesperson for the Governor says that he had no intentions of selling Obama’s senate seat.”
“…a spokesperson for God says he regrets the tidal wave that made shore last week along Canada’s eastern coastline. It was intended to strike the unpopulated coastline of Antarctica.”
“a spokesperson for the Devil told the AP yesterday that the Devil regrets that he may have unknowingly given ideas and encouragement to three terrorist organizations in the middle east over the past 33 months.”
“a spokesperson for King Tut confirmed regrets of the King regarding his overzealousness in building the pyramid in its current location. “In hindsight, building the pyramid closer to a major railroad line would have saved billions of dollars and about 21 years of time, and certainly driven more tourism dollars into Cairo. Our projections for urban sprawl in the post-B.C. era were overly optimistic.”
“…a spokesperson, familiar with the matter, says the information was classified but somehow was leaked to the press.”
“…a spokesperson for Moses says he doesn’t regret leading the Israelites out of Egypt. In hindsight, should believes heading west to Cancun, rather than the Canaan, as God suggested, would have made more sense.”
“a spokesperson for John Wilkes Booth says Booth had thought he was actually shooting at a wax figure of President Lincoln and that the whole scene was staged to demonstrate the vulnerability of the president’s secret service force. He truly regrets the outcome.”
“…the company spokesperson says they are truly sorry for the deaths of the 14 kuggie-kuggie frogs that were killed in the cooking oil spill from the tanker off Madagascar and they are doing everything in their power to rectify the situation.”
“…the Governor’s spokesperson assured the press that the prostitutes tips were not paid with taxpayer dollars—only the fixed fee portions.”
Spokespersons shouldn’t be just for the rich, the famous, the politicians, the corporate executives—they should be affordable for everyone!
Gotta get me one of these—a Spokesperson. Wow, would my life get easier.
I say something offensive at a cocktail party after too much merlot, my spokesperson makes the call: Russ is so sorry for the comments he made last night. He was not feeling well and regrets even attending the event knowing he was not even coherent in his thoughts. Please accept his apologies.
My client is not paying the money owed to me. My spokesperson calls: Russ’ company reminds you that you are overdue in your payment and bad things could happen to you at night this week if you don’t pay within 36 hours. We regret that it has to come to this and Russ looks forward to doing business with again soon.
My company, while planting a maple tree on Pennsylvania Blvd. cuts the power cable that feeds all the power to the White House. Uh-oh. My spokesperson makes the call: We regret that the we inadvertently cut the power cable to the White House. We should have it fixed in the next 48 hours. Naturally, we’ll pay for the damages to the cable.
I’m late meeting my wife for a black tie affair at the Opera. My spokesperson makes the call: Russ is truly sorry for the delay. His car was low on gas, so he stopped to be sure he could transport you back home after the event without stopping for fuel. He regrets his tardiness and will arrive shortly.
Everybody needs a Spokesperson to hide behind. A person to blame when things go bad or you’re not sure what the reaction will be of your actions: The art of the spin. Why didn’t I think of this while in my formidable teenage years? My terrible two years? My young adult years? I could have really used a scapegoat to hide behind, fix my screw-ups, escape having to face the people that I hurt, insulted, cheated, mislead, lied to, injured, ignored.
Problem is, if I hire one now, what will people think? Oh, Russ too good to talk with us personally now? He never needed one before, why now? Must have come into some serious money to afford a Spokesperson.
What I’m confused about is that when we hear or read “…the information was given by an anonymous source close to the matter…”—is this the Spokesperson? Or is the anonymous person a whole different league of professionals?
If that’s the case, I gotta get me one of those anonymous persons, too.
Written by a Spokesperson for Dr. Russell Riendeau, who is familiar with the matter.
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