"Sailors know the loudness of water."
– C. S. Forester
A Letter
Dear Mr. Information:
Call me eccentric, but I say the smell of brown rice cooking would make a great perfume.
P. D.
Ballet Deer
"The first ballet dancers must have watched deer," remarks local dance historian Joe Hepper. "Ballerinas move exactly like does."
A Second Letter
Dear Gossip-man:
Some people are self-sufficient. They live in a cabin on a mountain, chop their own wood, grow a large garden, can tomatoes for the winter, etc.
I, however, am self-insufficient.
T. V.
Pretzel Salad
"Pretzels are great in salad," Arlene Limey says. And she gave this example:
1 cup Bibb lettuce
1/3 cup cooked beets, finely chopped
7 pretzels
1 Tbs Monukka raisins
Serve with Russian dressing.
A Third Letter
Dear Sparrow:
What will Dick Cheney do when he’s no longer vice-president? How will he adapt to "private life?" Here’s my guess: he’ll form a private army, and invade Tijuana.
A. G.
Shandaken Poetry Influx
Art and the Fisherman
Often while I’m fishin’
I think about Titian.
– Clyde Brisson
Spear Threshold
I have
a very
low
spear
threshold.
When
I see
more
than
3 spears,
I run.
– Artie Bophus
Interview with a Movie-Lover
I spoke to Marshall Higman, in his apartment in Pine Hill.
Sparrow: I understand you see a great many movies.
Higman: Yes, perhaps I’m the last movie-lover.
Sparrow: Lots of people enjoy movies, still.
Higman: No, they enjoy videos and Digital Video Discs, otherwise known as DVDs. And Netflix. Those are not movies. They are snapshots of movies.
Sparrow: How do you define "movie"?
Higman: A movie is a story shown on film in a theater.
Sparrow: So you drive around a lot, to attend movies?
Higman: Certainly. I traveled to Schenectady to see Margot at the Wedding.
Sparrow: How was it?
Higman: Silly and self-indulgent.
Sparrow: Why is it so crucial to sit in a theater?
Higman: For me, the smells of the theater (popcorn, and occasionally Milk Duds), the whispering of teenagers, a redhaired woman heading to the bathroom, or walking out on the movie in disgust — all these are essential to a film. It’s a collective experience, like Easter Mass. Somehow it’s essential to have a great deal of air above you. The high ceilings of a theater inspire elevated thought.
Sparrow: But some people enjoy the convenience of watching a movie at home.
Higman: Yes, and some people have bowling alleys in their house. Boring, misanthropic rich people.
A Fourth Letter
Sparrow:
Did you hear? February 5 is Write A Letter Day. It’s a last-ditch effort to fight back against e-mail. So on February 5, sit down, think of someone you love (or hate) and write them a letter on a real piece of paper!
"Mr. Eric"
Did you see that cloud resembling a slice of Sicilian pizza over Mount Pleasant last Wednesday?
Bumper sticker:
MY SON IS AN HONOR STUDENT
— BUT I’M AN IDIOT!
Recumbent Violinist
"My father was a recumbent violinist," Mary Hedgeson recalls. "He was only comfortable playing on the couch. He’d lie down, close his eyes, and perform Strauss’ Sonata in G minor, Opus 19 — with his head on a pillow!"