"I tried being stupid, but it didn’t work."

– Joel Oppenheimer

 

 

Did you see the cloud shaped like a thimble over Boiceville last Tuesday?

 

A Letter 

Dear Articulate Observer:

In November, the sun gets brighter because the leaves no longer block it.  I never noticed this before, and I’m 48 years old!

"Sydney"

Bumper sticker:

ALL SLOGANS ARE ARBITRARY

A Second Letter

Dear Mr. Pioneer:

At this point, deer have only one natural enemy: automobiles.

 

J. S.

 

 

Mop-Walk

 

"The other day I saw my neighbor walking in a rainstorm with his mop," Carey Fews told me.  "’What are you doing?’ I asked him.  ‘This is the only way to really clean a mop,’ he said.  ‘Walk twenty minutes in fresh rain, and all the mildew’s gone.’"

 

 

A Third Letter

 

Dear Sparrow:

 

The 4 inch high maple saplings also experience autumn.  Their leaves turn yellow, but cling longer than the leaves of their parents.  It’s late fall, and they still haven’t made the 3 1/2 inch journey to the ground.

 

"Alexander"

 

Bumper sticker:

WHY IS SATANIC HEAVY METAL ALWAYS 

BETTER THAN CHRISTIAN ROCK?

A Fourth Letter

Dear The Honorable Mr. Sparrow:

Once our nation becomes peace-loving, the Veterans of Foreign Wars will be replaced by the Veterans of Foreign Stores.  People who have gone shopping in other countries will gather in these centers to drink beer and reminisce.

"Pete"

Shandaken Poetry Portfolio

 

My Life

 

I am born when

a poem begins,

die at the end.

 

– Roger Triest

 

 

 

Line-breaks

 

The

line-breaks in this

poem are all

wrong.

 

– Alice Goball

 

 

Interview With An Exercise Innovator

 

I spoke to Danny Hockler, a private trainer.

 

Sparrow: You have your own exercise regime, isn’t that so?

 

Hockler: One day I was walking up my stairway and I thought, "Couldn’t this be the basis of a useful exercise?"  My friend Harry is a chiropractor, and he gave me some books on physiognomy.  Soon I developed a regime of "staircase yoga."

 

Sparrow: Staircase yoga?

 

Hockler: Simple exercises which stretch the back and neck.

 

Sparrow: Can you give me an example?

 

Hockler: I must be cautious, speaking to a newspaper audience.  So much depends upon the exact size of the person, and the size of the steps.  But here’s one simple stretch: lie upside down on a stairway, with your head on the third or fourth step.  Slowly lift one leg up and latch it onto the banister.  Then lower that leg, and lift the other.  Do this for just three minutes at first.

 

Sparrow: Does that exercise have a name?

 

Hockler: I call it the "Reclining Salamander."  And here’s another: curl into a ball at the base of a stairway.  Gradually raise your arms, and drape them on the steps.  Creep up the stairs, undulating like a snake.  That’s the "Ascending Asp."

 

Sparrow: Are there other secrets to your exercise system?

 

Hockler: If the steps can activate acupressure points, that is most beneficial.  I’m collaborating with an acupressurist on this theory.

 

Sparrow: What about the future?  Are you working on any new exercises?

 

Hockler: Right now, I’m developing a series of stretches involving a ladder and a garden hose.

 

For more information, see www.hocklerforhealth.com.

 

 

 

 

"Beauty is in the eye of the brie-holder."

– Cy Twombly

 

A Letter

Dear Mr. Gossip-Editor:

Last night I was visiting my daughter in her room when we noticed a bug crawling on her bed. The insect flapped its wings, flew… then glowed! A weak greenish light flickered on the ceiling.

We were as stunned as if the curtains had talked.

Alice

 

T-shirt slogan:

"It’s not the heat; it’s the humility!"

 

Liz’s Nectar

Juice three oranges. Stir in one tablespoon of molasses. Add a pinch of pepper.

[Liz Allarden makes this drink.]

 

Foot-Penny-Luck

"I was walking barefoot outside my house, and a shiny penny stuck to my foot," Bert Remmels confided to me. "That’s perfect double-luck! I’m playing the date of that penny in the Lotto!"

 

A Second Letter

Dear Sparrow:

I make the bed, in my house, and I’ve observed that every day the blankets are slightly larger or smaller. Some days they hang off the bed, sometimes they barely even fit. They may grow an inch, or shrink 3 inches. Has anyone else ever noticed this?

O. A.

 

Jazz Storms

"Certain thunderstorms have syncopated rain and lightning," Jill McLuran told me. "I call them ‘ jazz storms.’"

 

Bumper sticker:

HOW DID "GRANOLA"

BECOME AN INSULT?

 

A Third Letter

Dear Gentleman:

Do you ever wonder what type of doctor you would be if you’d become an M.D.? I would doubtless be an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist.

"Casey"

 

Shandaken Poetry Confab

 

No Absolutes

 

There are no

absolutes in

poetry — only

shades of yellow.

– Julia Jo Helver

 

Eyes of a Melon

The eyes

of a melon

watch my cat.

– R. Steins

 

A Fourth Letter

Dear Monsieur Listener:

As a child, I suspected raisins came from a mine, like gold or tin. I didn’t believe the fable that they’d once been grapes.

V. S.

 

T-shirt slogan:

"Yes, I’m a nerd. But at least I’m not a geek!"

 

A Fifth Letter

Dear Bird-reporter:

Yesterday I was at my mother’s house, when I noticed an SAT preparation book. "Are you getting ready to take the SATs again?" I asked her. (She’s 86.)

"No, my grand-nephew Reese left that here," Mother explained. "But I have looked at it a few times!"

This gave me an idea. Everyone should take the SATs every 15 years: at age 16, 31, 46, 61, etc. Then even middle-aged people would know trigonometry! Our minds would all stay vital and supple.

I’m going to write my congressman, suggesting this.

"Nellie"

 

Slinky Found

"I found a Slinky buried in the woods on Slide Mountain," Ray Wolfe told me. "This was in March. This Slinky is metal; I’m guessing it’s from 1966. I’ve used rust remover on it, filed it, sandpapered it. I’m slowly teaching it to bend."

 

A Sixth Letter

Dear Gossip-attractor:

There are no green mammals.

"Alfonse"

 

Ponytail Quarter

"My father would give me a quarter every time I wore my hair in a ponytail," Barbara Sunders remembers. "So I’d have a ponytail three or four times a week."

 

Did you see the cloud shaped like Queen Elizabeth II’s tiara over Chichester last Thursday?