"I am ironic even towards irony."
– John Ashbery
Did you see the cloud shaped like a Tuscan wine bottle over Pine Hill last Tuesday?
A Letter
Dear Knowledge-Accumulator:
The best whittler I knew was Benson J. Bright. He moved next door to me in 1952. Benson could cut a piece of a white oak stump, borrow your house key, and make an exact duplicate! His wooden key would open your door. (Of course, it would only work a few times, then break — but what a skill!)
"Old Flannery"
Bumper sticker:
I ♥ MY LABRADOR
(BUT I’M GETTING A LITTLE
SICK OF MY FOX TERRIER!)
A Second Letter
Dear Monsieur Sparrow,
Mice will never eat steaming-hot food. Never worry about this. Neither will rats. You can have a rat the size of a barrel, it will never eat hot oatmeal!
"Jane"
Bumper sticker:
I’M SICK
OF SHREK
A Third Letter
Dear Mr. Busybody:
I once had a neighbor named Katie who collected umbrellas. She had hundreds, of every color — mostly paisley, and other exotic patterns. "People just give them to me!" Katie said in wonder. Inside her house, 15 or 20 umbrellas would be open. (Katie wasn’t superstitious.) It was like a Turkish bazaar.
And when it rained? Katie wore a raincoat. "It’s a shame to risk injuring an umbrella," Katie said.
J. X.
Bumper sticker:
OBAMA IN ’12
Shandaken Poetry Flotilla
Disco And War
In the Age of Disco (1976-1981)
the U.S. had no foreign conflicts.
Disco replaced war.
– Jay Redd
Liquid Aristocrat
I love this
new perfume,
"Liquid Aristocrat."
– Ashley Furwin
Interview with an Entrepreneur
I spoke with local business consultant Neil L. Cadbury in his neo-Danish living room.
Sparrow: I understand you have a new invention.
Cadbury: Yes, it’s the Universal Ticket.
Sparrow: And how does it work?
Cadbury: This one ticket gets you into anything — any opera, baseball game, U2 concert, movie. A precious rectangle works for them all.
Sparrow: And how much will it cost?
Cadbury: It will be $76.
Sparrow: But why would someone pay $76 to go to the movies?
Cadbury: Who knows? To impress his girlfriend, maybe?
Sparrow: And have you arranged with every opera house and movie theater on earth to honor your ticket?
Cadbury: Not quite yet. That’s still in process.
Sparrow: So the universal ticket is not yet available?
Cadbury: Actually, it is available. But it’s not yet in use.
Sparrow: Buying the universal ticket, at this point, is an act of faith.
Cadbury: Yes, but very well-founded faith, I must say. It’s like being the first person who ever purchased a VCR.
To buy a Universal Ticket, go to www.universalticket.com.
Moon Pie
"Try this baking idea," Eileen Mendy suggested. "On the full moon, bake a pie: carrot-apple, pecan-cashew — any kind of pie. Each night, look up at the moon. Then eat a sliver of the pie, so that the pie always remains the same shape as the moon. In two weeks, the pie will be gone."