History of the World – Part II

As you will remember from our previous chapter of “The Mid-Western History of the World”, just over seven thousand years ago Adam and Eve were deceived in the Garden of Eden by the theories of the evil serpent Charles Darwin and his corrupt, British sense of humour. Their indiscretions were punished by the Lord who sent thunderbolts to fall upon the Earth. These great balls of fire sent up clouds of righteous indignation and dirt that blocked out the rays of the sun, which had only been shining for three hundred days. To find out what happened next read on….

And lo! the clouds of the Lord allowed the glaciers to come up on the Earth in huge numbers and they advanced and advanced until half the earth was covered with ice. After forty days the Lord had seen enough and blew the clouds away with his celestial breath. The rays of the sun hit the glaciers and they started to retreat and melt. The Lord sayeth unto a worthy man called Noah, “This is a phenomenon called Global Warming, which ye should ignore totally. However, just in case, build ye a large boat rightaway.” Noah was a straight and righteous man, who had been intelligently designed recently. He was married to Mrs Noah in a loving relationship built on mutual respect for one another. They had three sons called Shem, Ham and Japheth, which in the modern day American language correspond to Burger, Ham and Macdonald. “We have to go for it,” said Noah pointing at the gopher trees in the forest and lo! after a lot of pioneer spirit they built a large Ark for the worthy animals of the Earth. Now, some of the animals called Dinosaurs had grown fat and unworthy on the fruits of the Earth provided by the Lord. Other animals had indulged in unnatural practices with animals of their own gender and had become corrupt, unworthy and gay.

Noah laid a plank of wood from the ground to the Ark and bade the worthy animals of the world enter his vessel and lo! they boarded the Ark two by two in an orderly fashion, one of the male gender and one of the female gender as decreed by the Lord. Then it was time for the Dinosaurs to enter the Ark, led by the massive Brontosauruses. Unfortunately, due to their overindulgence, the Brontosauruses were too heavy for the plank of wood and lo! it was broken into a thousand pieces by their huge weight. Noah shrugged his shoulders and indicated the rising waters to the stranded Dinosaurs and gay animals. “Thou are being punished by the Lord for thy corrupt living” sayeth Noah before he swam to the Ark. The Dinosaurs and other unworthy animals were drowned by the rising waters upon the Earth. The sediments of the Earth were stirred by the waters and the massive hulks of the Dinosaurs sank the furthest because of their weight and were interred deep within the Earth. The other gay animals didn’t sink as far due to their lighter mass and lack of moral fibre. All these unworthy creatures lay in their graves waiting to be discovered as fossils, by the geologists of our era.  

When all the glaciers had disappeared, water covered the entire surface of the Earth, but upon the Ark everything was dry, worthy, and clean. The animals were fed by the world’s first fast-food outlet run by the three enterprising sons of Noah, who provided cheap and tasty meals for all the worthy animals. Mrs Noah was a skilled baker and provided the bread for their food. The animals all went to the toilet in a special place on the Ark called Iran and when the amounts of animal dung began to overflow Iran and corrupt the surrounding areas, the dung was cast overboard and helped to form the part of the world that is now called Europe and The Middle East, apart from Israel of course. Noah sent a dove out to find out whether the waters upon the world were receding. The dove was the product of a loving relationship between a male dove and a female dove who were married to each other. And lo! the dove returned clutching an olive twig in its beak. The waters were evaporating and after their voyage of forty days and forty nights, the Ark and all its worthy passengers came to rest upon the Earth in a place called Kansas, where all around was clean and worthy. All the animals disembarked from the Ark and were enjoying the wide open spaces in the land of the free. “Thou art a good and righteous man Noah,” sayeth the Lord, “thou hast done well.” “O Lord I thank thee, but when you assigned me this task, I knew that gladly my cross I’d bear.” sayeth Noah. “Why are you talking about me?” sayeth the cross-eyed bear, clumsily bumping into Noah, “What have I done?”

Now the cross-eyed bear had been demonically altered by the Devil so as to cause confusion in the world and to bring uncertainty into the lives of all creatures. “Keep away from me thou heinous, heathen, hell-dweller.” sayeth Noah, “O Lord, help me, free me from this cursed creature.” “Get away you beast of Beelzebub, you son of Satan, you lieutenant of Lucifer, you Devil’s disciple.” sayeth the loving, caring Lord and started to fire thunderbolts at the cross-eyed bear to destroy this evidence of evil, this documentation of devilry. But Lucifer had done other alterations to this unfortunate creature, which made the cross-eyed bear extremely swift and unable to run in a straight line. The devilishly-designed creature was also crafty, demonic, and elusive which helped this abominable animal evade the missiles of The Lord. Now, the thunderbolts designed to eradicate this behemoth of a bear raised clouds each day, which allowed glaciers to form on the Earth allowing an ice-age to begin, but The Lord blew away the clouds each night and the glaciers receded in an interglacial period.

And lo! as the Lord’s thunderbolts hit the Earth, they also compressed the trees, destroyed during The Flood and drove them deep into the Earth, where they formed the coal deposits of today. The thunderbolts crushed some of the sea creatures and pushed them downwards for miles, where they formed the oil deposits we are using so readily in our time. The thunderbolts also caused fissures in the Earth which allowed the seas to enter the land and caused some of the lands to move away. And lo! after seven days and seven nights, the lands of the Earth became scattered far and wide, and The Lord became alarmed at their apartness. He used his celestial breath to bring some of the lands back together and lo! the mountain ranges of the world were created by his powerful exhalation, which was so mighty that its relentless strength is still present in these lands of the Earth even today.

As the Lord paused for breath, the Archangel Michael appeared. “Thou artistic and imaginative Lord, thou has created a beautiful and intelligently designed Earth,” sayeth Michael, “I really like the thin, narrow piece over there on the left and the intriguingly shaped peninsula on the right.” The Lord looked and marvelled at the sight of the Earth that he now beheld, “Thou speakest truly Michael,” sayeth The Lord, “I will leave things as they are for now.”

“O Lord, that accursed cross-eyed bear, that creature of chaos is to be found somewhere in the land of the Himalaya, the highest point of thy Earth, far away from all the other creatures,” sayeth the Archangel Gabriel, appearing to the Lord, “yet I know not exactly where he dwells.” And The Lord decreed that this was to be the cross-eyed bear’s punishment for the rest of eternity; to wander the highest points of the Earth; to be alone and lonely; to be seen, only fleetingly, by mountaineers and to be known as the “Yet I know not exactly where he dwells” animal or Yeti for short.

As the cross-eyed bear began his damnable wanderings in the Himalaya, an intelligently designed young man called Moses was causing distress to his family. Everyone thought that Moses was truly a basket case who was never prepared to acknowledge some painful realities, relating to his personal life. Verily, Moses had a number of traits that most people found quite disturbing. He thought he could hear burning bushes speaking to him, when no-one else could hear a word; he wandered off for days at a time into the mountains, only returning when he had chiselled some fine, moral words into a tablet of stone; and he tried to lead large numbers of people across deep stretches of open water, which led to many, innocent individuals nearly drowning. And forsooth his family became so distressed that eventually Moses had to go and see the psychologist, who couched his assessment in these terms, “Moses thou art in denial, but there is a place where all thy talents and personal idiosyncrasies will become meaningful and real. That place is Egypt and thou should go and see the Pharaoh of that country straightaway.”

In the next part of our history, we will see what happened in Egypt.