I had to give a guitar lesson to this kid that smelled bad.

Alright, so my mom met this lady grocery shopping or something. They got to talking and found out that the lady’s kid wanted to learn how to play guitar. Now, for some reason, my mom thinks that I know how to play. I have no idea how. I only bought a guitar to look cool and leave it laying around my room.

She said that the lady was willing to pay $25 for the lesson, so I told her I’d do it. I was going to be bullshitting this little kid. I guess I could show him how to use a pick and how to strum up and down.

So the kid came over around 6 o clock. His lesson was scheduled for an hour until 7. I’d be lucky if I could keep it going for 10 minutes, but an easy $25 like this is a good motivator. I have been motivated to do stupider stuff for a lot cheaper. "Let that Pitbull bite your arm and I’ll buy you an ice cream." Deal. "Let me hold a pen above your arm and drop a textbook on it, just to see what happens." Deal.

He came in and I took him to the basement. I could tie him up and rape him, I thought, but I pushed that out of my mind pretty fast. We both sat down and took out our guitars. I made up letters for the strings. Emund Went To Nancy’s For Steak. He didn’t know any better and it sounded pretty good, so I went with it. When I moved in close to show him how I thought you were supposed to hold a pick, I noticed his horrible odor.

He smelled like he just got done rolling around the floor of a sweat house. His body odor was overpowering. I pulled back fast and my guitar fell from my lap onto the floor. "Is anything wrong?" he asked. No, I managed to say between gags. I tried to keep my distance, but it was no good. I noticed the smell and now I couldn’t stop.

I couldn’t take it anymore, I told him to follow me and I led him into a closet. I slammed the door shut and locked him in. I ran up to the kitchen and grabbed some Lysol spray disinfectant. The little bastard doesn’t want to wash, I’ll teach him. I ran back to the closet and started spraying it under the door. Once the can was empty, I opened it and let him out.

He smelled 82% better. I could put up with him now, at least. I finished up the lesson with a song. No, I didn’t play one, I put a CD on and we both just kind of listened to it until his mom came. He told his mom that guitar wasn’t for him and she payed me my money. Another job well done.