Why do we work?
We work to help our company make more money. In fact, that is your sole reason for existence. For all of you dedicated employees out there, here is a to-do list to help you become a better teammate.
Is this good for the company?
You have to ask yourself this question with every decision you make.
For example, do you think lunch breaks are appropriate? Does the company ever take a break and relax? No, and neither should you. Suppress your "need" to eat and crank out 2 more spreadsheets. With the usual 10 hours a day you’re working, if you just added that 1 extra hour you selfishly take off to eat, you could increase your productivity by 10%. I’m surprised more managers haven’t caught on to this concept.
Get an early start
Rather than fighting the morning traffic, leave for work the night before you’re supposed to be there. This ensures that you won’t be late and gives you an opportunity to do some silent work, which benefits the company without giving you unnecessary praise.
Become a hermit and snitch
You may have spotted other employees talking to each other while supposedly working. Don’t be sucked in to this trap. You will have a much brighter day if you simply ignore the "hellos" and "how are yous." Alternatively, you could tell your boss about it and hopefully get the bad employees in trouble.
Eliminate bathroom breaks
Companies all over the world are guilty of this crime: allowing employees unlimited access to the bathroom. If you absolutely must use the bathroom during working hours, at least have the decency to bring your laptop in with you and write a report or two.
Outsource yourself
We all know about the benefits of outsourcing. Do your part and type up a memo about the cost benefits that could be achieved by terminating you and bringing in some 3rd world labor.