Listeners

My fellow, patriotic Americans,

Today, I speak to you as the President of the United States of America, your President, not as the Leader of the Free World. I want to talk to you about patriotism, about preventing terrorist attacks on our country and about how you can all be involved in our War against the Evildoers, even when you are looking out of your front window. My fellow, patriotic Americans, you will no doubt be familiar with the unpatriotic leaking of information relating to the monitoring of the airwaves for information about Evildoers and Terrorists; in fact anyone who has unpatriotic feelings about our great country.  It has been called snooping, it has been called eavesdropping and it has been called an invasion of people’s privacy. It is none of these things my fellow, patriotic Americans, it is none of these things.

We have Evildoers living amongst us who believe that the America we know and love should be replaced with an America that has universal health care for all, that has freedom of religious belief only if you are Muslim, that has a communist economic outlook and that has an army which stays at home and doesn’t ever travel abroad to increase its effectiveness and to gain valuable experience and information about its tactics, weapons and soldiers. These Evildoers live amongst us and we need to find them. These people phone each other and these people e-mail each other. Their communications identify them as Evildoers and Terrorists who must be apprehended. These people sometimes use coded messages to exchange information. We have identified some of their methods and messages, and I will give you an example, just to show how apparently innocent messages contain details of evil intentions, evil deeds and the thoughts of the Evildoers. “I am going to pick up the children from school and then go to Wal-Mart to do the shopping” really means “I have the suitcase containing the nuclear bomb in my SUV and I will deliver this bomb and the rocket-launchers to the back-door of the mosque at midnight on Wednesday.” Information like this is invaluable in the War against the Evildoers. We need more information like this to prevent another 9/11.

To win our War against the Evildoers, this most American of all wars, we need to monitor the phone calls and e-mails of the Evildoers. These Evildoers come in all shapes, sizes, colours, and ages my fellow, patriotic Americans. In our great country, with freedom of speech for all, we can’t just confine our monitoring to known troublemakers. Some Evildoers are not known to us, but we know they exist, we just have to identify them. Our monitoring is the best and most effective way of doing this. We know this concerns you my fellow, patriotic Americans, we know this concerns you greatly. In fact, 5,349,492 of you mentioned it in your phone conversations on Saturday: 423,983 in Maryland alone. 873,932 Americans sent e-mails on this subject to each other on the same day, mostly on the East and West coasts of our great country.  Mr Jones of 8633 Acacia Avenue, French Lick, Indiana you have no need to worry; Miss Smythe of Pittsburgh PA, you have no need to be concerned; and Mrs Gonzalez of El Nino Street, Santa Fe, New Mexico, don’t be frightened that your dog will be run over by a Ford truck containing a terrorist with evil deeds in mind. We are monitoring all your communications to prevent the terrorists striking again. Don’t worry about your private information being circulated to people who might use this information against you! What could my administration, the CIA, the FBI, the NSA, the Pentagon, the Senate, the Congress, the Marines, the US Army, the US Navy  and the US Air Force do with your personal information? The answer is nothing at all my fellow, patriotic Americans, nothing at all.    

My fellow, patriotic Americans, you can help us in our War against the Evildoers. If you see a suspicious act of potential terrorism when you are looking through your front window, you won’t have to phone 911 and ask for the police. Now, all you will have to do is phone a friend, any friend at all, and say the words “I see a potential terrorist at work.” Right away, the Marines will be dispatched to the scene. There is no need to give your name and your address, as we have that information already, so the Marines will be there within seconds to apprehend the suspects before they do harm to our great country.   

My fellow, patriotic Americans, I know you will support me and my administration in our efforts to eradicate evil and the Evildoers from our great country. Our monitoring will enable us to achieve this in a very rapid manner. I know I can count on your support. My fellow, patriotic Americans we’ll be listening to you, to ensure your safety, and we will win this War against the Evildoers together.

George W Bush