A new report on global warming cites mathematics as the main culprit behind the phenomena. The report, entitled "Shoot the Messenger: How to Cope With Climate Change" was released by the American Institute of Foreign Petroleum.
"Were it not for algebra, the upward slope in the average global tempurature would have gone unnoticed and unproven," the report states, "The ability of modern mathematics to map a set of points on a set of two axes contributes greatly to our understanding of global warming. Mathematics contributes so much that it must be a chief cause."
The report also indicated that statistics is a "major contributor" to the phenomenon. "Were it not for the reductive power of statistics, the world would be contently oblivious to emerging trends in the climate," the report continues, "Furthermore, there would no known correlation between the rise in the average global tempurature and the rise in the levels of carbon dioxide."
Sen. James M. Inhofe (R-Okla.), who has described global warming as "the greatest hoax ever committed on the American people," hailed the report as a definitive conclusion that might finally silence those who make "dubious" claims that humankind is causing the planet to warm.
The report also implicated the fathers of algebra, namely the Greek mathematician Diophantus and Muhammad ibn MÅ«sÄ al-KhwÄrizmÄ«, a "terrorist name, if I ever heard one," according to Inhoff.
"Here is compelling evidence that there was and is a connection between algebra and radical Islam," Inhoff said, "Global warming might just be part of a terrorist plot."
Other contributors cited in the report are livestock that produce methane, decaying vegetation, weather ballons, "liberal, science-types", and "most importantly, Al Gore."
reported in jest by John Eischeid