1. the guy is as stupid as always…between pros and cons, it’s obvious, cons…so…fuck you, you fucking idiot…what shocks me is my reaction…I shouldn’t have reacted like that…or, maybe, yeah…I postponed my feelings for him…I told myself …what did I tell myself…I said…this is how it is supposed to be…I am busy and every time I have met him it was in my favour…so why can’t I…I still feel like this…not anymore…actually, a few minutes before I still felt that way…and I would have cried a little…and I think I could cry some more…why do I cry…envy… anger…why the fuck do I cry…’cause I can’t make him mine…but if he is mine, what will I do with him…he is the same fucking idiot…fuck…well, if it happens, it happens…what I am supposed to do now is to continue the process of letting go…to detach myself from him…I’ll kick his ass…it doesn’t matter anymore, it musn’t…he will be as ordinary as anybody…the bad thing is that I haven’t seen him for quite some time and my mind has gone crazy again…story…stories… which justify him ..I don’t want to talk about it anymore…we have already had this conversation…he’s no good…not now, not ever…I have to get away…but how…but how…all these meetings with all these girls…all these sunny days…make me cry…feel depressed…useless…all these are not enough…and it hurts…it hurts…but it’s not enough…somehow I have to get away…I know him…really. I feel more peaceful when I don’t see him…when he doesn’t exist…when he is not at the T…when he is not in the B…then I think that maybe he is away…that he has things to do…or maybe he is at home…or maybe I’m just not in the right place at the right time…anyway, it must end…I am stupid, no realistic…ok, stupid…so, he is bad for me…he is not human…soon, I’ll be celebrating a year…I’ll get mystical again and something will have to happen, something worthy of a closure…come full circle to find the truth…I’ll be glad if nothing happens…nothing…fuck…ok…plans…strategies…coping…tomorrow…
I’ll discuss…what…discuss the fact that I still feel something for him…that the only thing that I did was to deny it…to postpone it…now, deal with it.
2. God, I am so paranoid…I am shivering like hell…embarrassing situations will happen again…it’s ironic, but, I’ve given too much…I can’t write anymore, I don’t feel the need to…too many academic activities…it’s like I am drained out …my last poems are all inspired by…this alternance between coming closer and detaching myself from…by the ecstasy of madness…in my arms…why the hell can’t he be as…he must be…he is not enough…he is…little…little…my God…it’s my fault too…I…I…put myself into it…it’s ok…I’ll play the role of my savior…I will get away…and fast…solutions…solutions… tomorrow: I will discuss it, I will be focused… all I ever wanted is here in my arms…yeah, but not him, the image of him, my image of him…good…and…what is he good for…for a quickie…I give him the role of guru sex machine…free fucking with MA…perhaps this side of him will be more attracting…more satisfying…or he will fail me again…he will fail…he is capable of it…and maybe I am out…
3. you know, you said that thing about taking my shot…if I take my shot for a week, like a nice thing that he’s done, well, nice is subjective…another week passes by…and…even if he is an asshole…well, he did that nice thing, he looked at me, he gave me that special smile, ahh…fuck…and the truth is that I haven’t taken my shot for a very long time…this is a good thing…I haven’t even felt the need…I guess, this is how I should have started…My name is…and it’s been a week, no, I am talking nonsense, it’s been a month since I haven’t thought about MA…MA , the eternal fucker…yes, I admit, when I began sleeping nights again, I let myself be free… I was free to think about him…I imagined lots of lots of things…I set some expectations…about which he hasn’t got a clue…not that he would care about them…the truth is this question always has haunted me…if he knew, would he care…no…no…no…he would not…I am not losing anything…just dry myself out…can’t create anymore…all I’ve created so far…are like torn apart limbs …mutilated foreheads…of the body…ramifications just for me…
4. I abused myself…it was I alone who carried myself…on my arms…at the end of the abyss, so I would look down…at him…why do I still care…I think I am still yearning for an acknowledgement…when…when I first saw him…it was on the 9th of March, last year, in the evening…at half past nine, ten maybe, I think, what I saw in him was actually me…to fall in love… I need him to be mystical, mythical, extraordinary, superb…he has to be sublime…no one is more sublime than I…he is a projection of my sublimity… a projection with a dick…I have no need, now, no need…I hope I’m not wrong…at least in this…
5. words can’t say a thing…he is here in my arms…
6. I am honest with you… I want him to fall in love with me and me to fall out of love with him…
7. I want the love of a tiny man…
8. I don’t even know how to speak to him anymore…fuck him…he doesn’t speak…he is shy… he is tiny…
9. I am untouched…he doesn’t care…me neither… indifferent prick…
10. drink mint tea… you’ll surely pee …more passionately…