Legalization of a Suicide
Ripon Parbez
When his grief passed the mark of tolerance, he decided to say ‘Adieu’ to life without any anxiety. In fact there assembled some anger in his mind. Life has given a lot gift of grief to him but there should be an end. And that is why he wants to show that ‘Life, you are on my fist, I can do anything to you, can kill or keep alive. I will kill you and cruelly. The last punishment to you will be given by me. From the very beginning you have been punishing me but now, I will return it to you. That will be my win. I am successful on teaching life a lesson, on getting to the end of all grief, on crying the last shout saying ‘stop, if you can, you have no right where I am going, you are useless there’, that will be my content.’
‘After leaving, mother will suffer most, might cause the second heart attack. In fact, my mother loved me most in this desert world. Surely, she will not take it easily that her son is gone before herself. It can not be admitted by her that the five feet & eight inches body she created day by day, with a twenty two years effort is gone without giving her anything in return. Should she admit? Does not she have the right to have some happiness in one part of her life, the happiness which is unknown to her, the hope of which presses people incessantly from back to live? Probably she is expecting that ‘happy time’ from me. But I am going to deprive her from that right.’
‘Father will also feel a bit distressed. But to me, it seems that he will not cry for me, because he has another son. But to my mother, we both are full son separately. I do not find any cause what forced me to think that. In fact, father is the furthest man to me in the world. The relationship between us is very much artificial. I can not remember when I called him ‘father’ last time or when I talked to him. Every time I talked with him was the talk of necessity. Why I have failed to call him ‘father’ for the sake of calling him father? I have not heard my father to call my grandfather calling ‘father’ also. When people will break this steel barricade? Have not I deceived my father by this? He has raised us with the exchange of his whole-life-achievement and I am going to deceive him. I have to. I can not be some fool like them. This situation would not come if he felt like me long ago. I can not put my children in the same situation. They have been passing their life being a slave of life. People always lead their life being a slave of life. When life says ‘Go, you do not have the right to live anymore, you’re worthless, useless creature’, they leave obeying with a bended knee. They do not get the chance to question once. And here is my triumph. Life is not banishing me, I am banishing life. ‘Out, I do not need you, you do not have anything to give me, and you’re worthless, useless”.
‘My brother will rather select this life, because still he does not understand how much lifeless life is! How much meaningless life can be! He will be happy on my leave, because then he will be the only inheritor. Standing beside my corpse he will count how much maize can be grown on that southern upper-land, will it be good if he grows banana in the land in that north plot of our house? Then he will marry sending father and mother on that north-hut. If he would think that his own son will think on the same way he is thinking standing beside his corpse, he is also going to lead some part of his life in that north-hut, would he allowed life to dictate over him so much! If people would have a close look on that empty space of life, people would say ‘Adieu’ to life like me. Then the world would be lifeless. Ha…ha… ha…life would be defeated then. Life herself would die. Life would lead a beastly cursed life. Life has no worth to live in human body. But I know that these blind creatures will live by enslaving themselves to life. Life will not be slave to them. The illusion of hope makes them blind’.
‘I am feeling very sorry for Nipa. When she will discover that she is not getting me, as a symbol of surrender to life, she will find someone else to enslave herself. The eyes that she put on mine will be put on others silently without any repent or hesitance. The lips which is of mine today, will be of others for tomorrow. Does not it reveal how much meaningless and worthless the relationship among people are! Someone will live thirty years more than me, does it make any difference? Except the difference of leather-folds and heartbeats? Does the difference that people will remind you after thirty years and not me mean anything to you? When you are dead? People run before those ridiculous fames’.
‘Why that street-beggar is living (something more than death) with his one-legged life? For what hope? What is that intoxication? There is no difference if he lives or dies! If he leaves the world, he will be free. Free from every misery. Isn’t it his responsibility to free his body from this misery? All the people should leave the world deceiving the illusion of life. Then life will kill herself watching the end of her power’.
‘They will certainly move two steps backward seeing my separated corpse, will take it as a symbol of death, and will learn to hate death. But will not know how much pleasure this has given me, what life has failed to give. If you live, you have to cry’.
‘It is three minutes to come the train. How easy it is to leave, to be free. Still they do not leave. That is my long-wished whistle. After this I will be a part of ever-peace. No life-ly grief will touch me. My younger sister will ask seeing my body covered with white cloth, ‘Mother, is it very sunny there? Why brother is in white dress?’ A question on what I taught her a few days ago. Yes, that is a world of whiteness, sunny and peaceful. So decide whether you will live or leave’.
-Dedicated to the Suiciders
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