I may never leave my flat to shop at a grocery store ever again-start shopping online altogether
However, when I do shop at a public market like Krogers, HEB or Sainsburys, I focus on efficiency. Time is money in the real world, but in my bubble, time is time (time for internet browsing, video game playing, sleeping, downloading porn, etc). Perhaps the most important part of the grocery shopping experience for me is locking up a proper check-out stand. I look for many factors in determining the fastest one, but I won’t discuss all them here at the moment. I will focus on one particular roadblock that springs itself up in the most peculiar situations. I am referring to the archaic practice of writing checks [spit]. Here we are, in ought-seven, and people are still writing checks to the grocer. Get a fucking debit card stupid. Fuck. Making me hate.
Usually, I can identify a potential check writer, as it is about as easy as identifying a AARP card carrier. Tonight I found a certain individual with nothing more than a 6-pack of Smirnoff Ice. Score! I should set a record here considering it is about 5:00, the rush hour for grocery stores. As I waited for him to make some form of payment, he asked to buy a carton of cigarettes. Strike that, he shopped for a carton of cigarettes, meaning he perused the available choices. This took about a minute. Ok, no problem, I can deal with this, as I am still making good time. Soon afterwards, I saw the all too familiar checkbook (the one surrounded by the blue holder your bank gives you-cheapass)
Holyshit!
I didnt see this coming, and now my day was ruined. Not only did this asshole take his sweet fucking time writing the check, I could tell he was enjoying his penmanship. This took extra time. (as an aside, I am not going to discuss the fact that he had only 2 items as this is irrelevant considering you should never write a check to begin with)
While he wrote his check out, he said some interesting things. For example, he asked if you could get cash back. When the cashier replied yes, but only up to 50 bucks, he actually cringed with anger and disappointment. This told me he was prepping to write a classic hooter hot check. When he finally handed Lakita the check, and while she was verifying it, he asked her whether this particular establishment is open 24 hours. Yes! This is a favorite tactic of mine. Distract the handler with an obvious question when you have intentions of doing something completely illegal. Used heavily by me ages 18-20 for bars and the like. This told me the check was stolen/hot, or in the alternative, that he would most likely be back to purchase more delicious Iced beers should he find his first six satisfying. The latter option would of course be the mad note.
All in all, his transaction took about 5-6 minutes. Mine took about 35 seconds. book it.
Moral of this tale: STOP WRITING CHECKS. In fact, throw away your checkbook altogether. If you are reading this, it means you have the Internets/Interweb, and can therefore do everything online. You have no excuse. Maybe Hunter S. was right.