The hangover remedy is perhaps the one subject that invites the most derelict among us to confidently assess both the biology and chemistry at work in the act of poisoning the self – for the express purpose of creating a master potion that can be admired and remarked upon by the evening’s survivors. Since the act of consuming alcohol is an act of self-inflicted poisoning, we should have the kind of elaborate antidotes one might find in a 16th century theatrical production. These are remedies built out of painful experiences – and before we can examine these morning-after miracles, we should understand a bit more about what determines the extent of the poison’s damage.
Hangovers are built upon seven foundations.
1. The amount of alcohol consumed over time. The liver breaks down approximately one drink per hour. If you consume two drinks in the first hour, you enter your second hour with one full drink still fresh in your system. If you consume two more drinks in your second hour, then your third hour begins with two full drinks circulating in your blood – and so on.
2. Age. The older you get, the harder it is to recover. In general, a 21-year-old is going to fair much better after six SoCo & lime shots than a 40-year-old.
3. Weight. The lighter you are, the harder you fall. This is a brutal truth, and it is seen time and again in mismatched weight groups who are gathered at the bar and keeping pace with each other.
4. Genetics. Some of us are better able to digest the fermented juices. Genetic predisposition in favor of alcohol consumption is found particularly among European descendants.
5. Food ingested prior to imbibing. Drinking on an empty stomach allows for faster absorption into the bloodstream and is all too often a disastrous path.
6. Hydration. "With each drink, you effectively lose more water than you take in – and that leads to all sorts of problems, like a searing headache," writes Maureen Farrell in Forbes.
7. Congeners. These are the toxic chemicals that are formed during fermentation. In general, the darker drinks – red wine, bourbon, scotch – contain more congeners than the lighter options, like white wine, gin, and vodka.
The ideal cure for a hangover should look first to those seven foundations. Am I drinking too quickly? Is my drinking crowd considerably younger than I am – or notably heavier than me? These are somewhat easy to measure. The question of genetics is tougher, and there you simply have to look to yourself: how many drinks can I really handle to maintain a pleasant day tomorrow? Make sure you eat something before you go out – and ensure that you mix non-alcoholic beverages into the overall volume of fluids consumed, preferably water. Hangovers can be prevented – or at least lessened – in the types of alcohol we select. Consume lots of red wine and you are going to be in trouble; stick with a high-end 100% blue agave tequila and you may emerge unscathed. Choice can go a long way in determining your morning.
But if prevention is thrown to the wind, what is the magic formula that can make the misery end? Well, this author has heard several over the years: a double espresso with an egg and some sugar; coconut juice (not coconut milk) and a lime; club soda and four dashes of bitters (whatever they are); on and on the creative chemists go. These examples each have elements of the four ingredients that compose the real remedy – headache pills, Alka-Seltzer, certain vitamins, and sports drinks.
Headache pills should only be taken at the onset of the hangover. It is a popular misconception that they should be taken on the night of the binging. If consumed before bedtime, aspirins will only cause your stomach to become more irritated when you really need to sleep and ibuprofen will mess with your liver when your liver is already overloaded.
Alka-Seltzer. The old plop-plop fizz-fizz model will put a ravaged stomach at bay.
Vitamin B, C, and E. Alcohol consumption of three or more drinks is actually quite damaging to the body. According to the Life Extension Foundation, "The consumption of alcohol results in the formation of two very toxic compounds, acetaldehyde and malondialdehyde. These compounds generate massive free-radical damage to cells throughout the body. The free-radical damage generated by these alcohol metabolites creates an effect in the body similar to that caused by radiation poisoning. That is the reason why people feel so sick the day after consuming too much alcohol." Referencing LEF again, vitamins B, C, and E are "nutrients that neutralize alcohol byproducts and protect cells against the damaging effects of alcohol."
Sports drinks provide more nutrient absorption than water and are additionally fortified with salt, a vital component in dehydration recovery.
There are two other popular hangover cures to avoid. It is commonly thought – among people that really do need to talk to somebody – that additional alcohol will help, but any more consumption during a hangover is just going to amplify the problem. It is also a mistake to consume coffee, as the last thing you want in your body is a diuretic.
While the best potion to ward off the crushing headache and queasy innards is really found in prevention, it is all too common that we will face that uncomfortable morning – and when that aching sun comes up, it is good to know that there are antidotes in the universe.