Ground Report

Dear Folks of the world,

 

As you know, I want nothing more than for America to be best friends with your country. Now, a few days ago, I looked at the Presidential map here in the Oval Office and I saw something that set me thinking and gave me an idea of how this best friendship can be achieved. 

 

I will explain my idea in a minute but first, here is a geographical interlude to get your minds tuned into my way of thinking. Our best friend in the North, Canada or “America’s roof George – stops the rain getting in” as my papa said, is a country that is easy to refer to; it is just CAN then ADA in that order. In the same way, our best friends in the south, Mexico or “America’s basement” as my mama calls it, is easy to refer to as well, you just say MEX, I, then CO. Our best friends on the left are JAPAN pronounced JAP, AN as it goes and our best friends on the right, the UK is even easier to say: U then K, UK. 

 

My idea is this: If a country wants to be best friends with the USA, they will have to change their name to my suggested name and then I will know their intentions are best friendly. This idea will be submitted to the UN by my good friend Alejandro Wolff who is doing such a great job in New York. I feel sure that Ban Ki-Moon will find my idea a howlingly good one. I hope Mr Moon doesn’t get too full of himself, because we all know what happens to the Wolff when it sees a full moon.  

 

So here we go folks, on a bus tour through the countries of the world.

 

In the thin bit below Mexico, each country will start with the letters CIA and then be allocated a number from 1 to 6, depending on how close to the USA they are, so for example Costa Rica will become CIA6. I mentioned these name changes to Michael Hayden my good buddy who is Head of the CIA, one of my papa’s old jobs. Michael said “That’s amazing Mr. President, these are exactly the names we have been using here at the CIA since 1954.” “Great minds think alike Michael” I replied. Michael Hayden said nothing, but I thought I detected a smile cross his lips for a second or two. Michael is doing a great job at the CIA.

   

Panama will become CIGARLAND, and Columbia will become DRUGLAND. Venezuela will become ALLENDE1, Brazil ALLENDE2, Argentina ALLENDE3, and Bolivia ALLENDE4, in honour of the late president of the country of Chile, which will now be called ALLENDE5; in other words, if these countries don’t change their ways real soon, their presidents will be committing suicide in the near future. The country run by the hairy dictator Castro will change its name to LINEUPSHEEPNOISE, which has been the country’s code name here at the White House for 5 years. Dick Cheney, my VP explained it to me this way: “Just remember it like this George, QUEUE is a British LINE UP and BAA is the NOISE a SHEEP makes most of the time, so instead of QUEUEBAA the code is LINEUPSHEEPNOISE.” As you can see folks, Dick is doing a great job explaining the finer points of foreign policy to me.

  

 

In Africa, the countries above the large brown bit will now be referred to as MOALTULIEG or MO for short. On the map, the large brown bit has a very straight bottom edge, like it has been cut with scissors. I thought there were other countries in Africa; I think Monsanto called them “Seed Selling Ops” or SSOs. I will hand a note to my Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice when I see her on the treadmill next, as this might just be vandalism from the previous Clinton administration. Condi is doing a great job going around the world telling countries what is best for them to do in their own long-term interests. 

 

In Europe, the countries are so small that the names don’t fit into their shapes and I can’t read them. I will solve this problem at a stroke, by calling them all YUP. I told my brother Jeb this and he said “Don’t forget Switzerland George that is where some of your money is”. I found the land of the Switzers in the middle of YUP, so for now the Switzers can have their own name, but I will place a call to my good friend Paul Wolfowitz tomorrow and get my money out of there as soon as possible. Paul is doing a great job at the World Bank, making sure those tellers don’t steal any money from their cash drawers at the end of the day. Beyond YUP will be RUSKIELAND, ruled over by President Jean Poutine who used to rule Canada.

 

China will change its name to TAEK, which stands for The Axes of Evel Knievel. Only the Chinese people themselves can take that great leap away from Communism, over the Grand Canyon of change and land in the land of the free and as long as that land of the free isn’t Taiwan, everything will be just fine and dandy. 

 

Afghanistan will become ASTAN, Pakistan will become PSTAN and India will become NOT PSTAN. The other countries in the area that have the word STAN in their names will now be called The 5 STANS. North Korea will become NOCAREER, which is what their Dear Leader will have, if he doesn’t stop trying to build weapons of mass destruction.

 

IRAN should change its name right now. It is one of the axes that chops down the trees of freedom and it makes me sound like a coward whenever I say it. I have never run from anything, and if you don’t believe me, go see my buddy Karl Rove and he will put you to rights. Besides, Vietnam isn’t mentioned in this idea, is it now? IRAN will become either ISTAN or INEVERRAN, the choice is yours, good people of Tehran. Karl tells me he is doing a great job behind the scenes.

 

ISRAEL and PALESTINE are not on my road map any longer. They have to get their act together themselves without my help, as I can never be elected President again. These two nations have come to a fork in the road and only they can decide what to do next. My advice is that when I came to a fork in the road in my life, I picked up that fork and ate my lunch with it.