On Thanksgiving in 1984, I was so distraught that I took my cache of Valium prescribed by my psychiatrist at the time and left with no thoughts of returning home. Living in domestic violence with its abuse and growing up in domestic violence that continued the cruelty made my life hell. When I attempted suicide, five angels came giving me information and instructions to stop taking the medication. Today, I would say spiritual help came.
Several years later, the night before returning home from a short trip to a Canadian Resort my life changed forever. After three weeks of no alcohol, my husband resumed drinking and went into temper tantrums, again. After dinner and his evening of tirades, he decided we would go home instead of waiting to check out in the morning. It was around 3 o’clock in the morning as we were heading south from Harrison Hot Springs in Canada to the United States border.
His rage was vindictive as he drove erratically down the middle of the road weaving from side to side. “God please help me, I really don’t want to die”, was my prayer. Within a few minutes, my husband pulled off the road. That lasted for the rest of the night. Many different types of answers came into my life, quite quickly.
At the time, I did not understand about being spiritual. I seemed to know the new opportunities for healing, counseling, and classes that appeared as if from nowhere were to help me. Through therapy and appropriate programs and their assistance, I began seeing that I had lived my life from fear. It was time to shift to a loving basis for my life.
Throughout that time, I learned what I did to perpetuate the circumstances usually from my subconscious emotions of my wounded childhood. In meditation, I was told profound information to assist my inner growth and maturity.
Over time, I understood his deep pains from his traumatic childhood. We had attracted each other because of similar childhood backgrounds−alcoholism/prescription addictions, mental illness, sex addiction, rage, and domestic violence. Still living at home with my husband, while I was trying to grow up was thorny. One evening, during one of his tirades, he dropped me on cement and broke my tailbone. Another evening during an outburst of rage, he chased me around the house and cornered me in our son’s bedroom. I knew I would become mincemeat and was terrified. I said, “God forgive him as he knows not what he does” and “God bless him”, twice.
You cannot attack love. I learned that the lesson is if you send love to someone, that person will not attack you. It is the fear sent out and then a retaliation of fear returns, that creates the violence. You have to stop playing the game of passive-aggressiveness. I stopped participating in the struggle. This allowed me to replace my selfish ways and self-centeredness with unselfish love.
Through the experience of all these calamities, I learned wisdom and understanding. Learning healthy tools for living and relationships brought a happier life. Cleaning out the inner past maltreatment, fears, and resentments while replacing them with God’s love and grace, created a “NewMe.”
As I pray, love, and send forgiveness to others, I heal relationships. This in turn returns healthy relations. As I become a channel of God’s love, I move into a higher consciousness of serenity and peace. No longer do I react off the buttons of the past and relive those unpleasant times. Fear of the future is replaced with seeing life as an adventure where God protects and cares for me.
Finally, responding with love for others and myself can produce the life of grace I desperately sought. It took twenty-five years learning consistently to stay in the “Now” of my life. Changing me has brought a new relationship of unconditional love into my life. There is no other part. It is all God; it is all good. The presence of God has become the most important part of my life.
Marilyn Redmond, BA, CHT, IBRT, International Board Certified Regressionist, Counselor, International Speaker, International Consultant, and is an award winning international writer. She shares spiritual information for life and living in health, healing, and happiness. She was inducted into Who’s Who for Professionals and Executives for her innovation and pioneering work in restoring traumatic lives, healing emotional causes of illness and releasing negative energy. Her web site is Angelica’s Gifts.com where you will find videos about domestic violence and empowerment.