The best conversation starter is a genuine smile. It breaks the ice faster than any words can and it immediately lets people know what your intentions are. It is the human equivalent of a dog’s tail wag, yet so often we forget it – something you’d never see a dog do!
For some reason we seem to fear starting a conversation with another person. It is easy to talk ourselves out of it, to point out to ourselves that we probably have nothing in common or that the will find it strange that we started a conversation with someone we didn’t know. Yet how often have you been flattered by someone else’s approach – or sat quietly at a party wishing someone would speak to you? If you would like a stranger to take the time to speak to you, why wouldn’t that stranger appreciate the same act of kindness directed at them?
To feel confident in starting your conversation choose something topical – something relevant to the immediate situation you are in is an easy starting point. This way you know in advance you have some common ground which helps you to feel confident. I’ve had some great conversations waiting for the bus just by commenting to the person next to me about how long the wait has been!
Of course, you always make a much better impression if your opening comments are a little more interesting. This is important if you want to go from just starting a conversation to actually making friends.
I travel a lot and therefore meet many different people, with just as many unique personalities. It always amazes me how many of these people start their conversations with the same questions – where am I from?; where am I traveling to/from?; how long am I traveling for? In fact, I’ve heard these questions so many times, rolled out in interview fashion that I know as soon as I hear them that I am unlikely to have anything more to do with the person beyond this initial conversation.
So which conversations have lead to ongoing friendships? For me it is always a good sign that I have to interrupt the conversation at some point to ask the person’s name! Usually this shows that the conversation has started in a very natural way. If you can replicate with a stranger the type of conversation you would usually have with a friend, you show that person what being your friend would be like. When the conversation finishes, they actually feel like they have had a conversation with a friend – therefore they will think of you as a friend.
To achieve this type of warm exchange it is important that the other person does not feel like they are being interviewed. You will find many people will tell you the art of conversation is about asking questions but actually this can make for a very stilted conversation. If you are talking to a stranger, they not only want the opportunity to tell you about themselves but also to know a little about you. A trick to doing this is to offer the opinion of a third person as well as your own. This way the other person can agree disagree with the unknown third person and not feel as if they are in conflict with you. For example, “Have you seen the latest Tom Cruise movie? (pointing to bill board on street) My sister loved it but I have to admit that since the whole Oprah thing I just can’t stand to watch his movies.” In this way you’ve opened the conversation with a topical question and the other person doesn’t feel like they have to agree with you. They are free to speak openly about their opinion.
Of course, half of a conversation is listening not speaking. It is important to give the other person your attention and not just wait for your chance to speak again. Listening carefully will also give you prompts as to where to take the conversation next, opening up questions for you to ask and giving you insight into the persons opinions. And listening to the other person lets you know whether you want to turn the conversation into a friendship or not!
Watch the body language too. If the other person looks like they want to end the conversation or talk about something different, the best thing you can do as a great conversationalist is to respond to that. I’m sure we’ve all been caught in a conversation that was either going on too long or was about something we just weren’t interested in talking about. It definitely doesn’t inspire us to think of starting a friendship.
Most important of all is to remember that starting a conversation or a friendship takes two people. Just because it feels right to you or is convenient for you, doesn’t mean the same applies to the other person. If you try to start a conversation with someone and despite your best efforts they just don’t seem to be interested, walk away politely. Don’t take it personally and don’t let it stop you from trying again. You never know what is happening for that person at that particular point of time. One of the greatest mistakes we make – and where much of our fear of breaking the ice with a stranger comes from – is thinking that a stranger’s rejection of us is personal. It’s not. Just as sometimes you will appreciate the attempts of a stranger to get to know you and at other times it will seem like an inconvenience to have to reciprocate, so too will it sometimes be that it is not a good time the person you are trying to get to know.
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