Having seen enough horror flicks, there are many things I have seen that gave me valuable lessons to learn from. Horror movies tend to be a great way to examine human behavior. When I saw a few horror movies, I saw that these situations actually do tend to show the character whom his/her friends really are. It’s revealed who will stick by you and who will stab you in the back. That has happened so many times in all sorts of horror flicks.
I’ll start with vampire movies. There are so many things I have learned from watching vampire movies that it’s not even funny. So far, I know enough to keep me alive in case of a situation that does actually involve vampires. There are many things you can do to prepare yourself in case of a vampire attack.
– Make sure your room has all sorts of holy artifacts such as crosses, stars, and so forth as the traditional vampire hates that kind of stuff. If anybody has seen the traditional vampire movies and TV shows you know that vampires hate crosses. Decorate your room with all sorts of crosses and other holy symbols, the vampire will think twice before entering your room.
– For European vampires, make sure you wear a cross around your neck. Vampire’s going to think twice before biting your neck. Provided you have faith in your lord. The necklace with the cross on it is a traditional means of defense.
– When sleeping, make sure you have sleep wear with a bunch of holy crosses designed on it. That would mean a vampire is going to think twice before touching you.
– When sleeping, make sure you have blankets and pillow cases that crosses designed and/or stitched on them. Vampire’s not going to bother removing the bed sheets if there are crosses designed on them.
– Make sure you have a Super Soaker loaded with holy water by your bedside and in your hand. Fire first and ask questions later!
– If that isn’t feasible, wear a set of brass knuckles are two with crosses engraved on the knuckles. Give the vampire a good punch in any part of the body as the cross engravings are going to leave a burning mark.
– In case of a vampire grabbing you by the wrist, make sure you have silver bracers with crosses engraved. Vampire will think twice before grabbing your arm when you’re moving in for a punch.
– If it’s feasible, make sure you have a flashlight capable of emitting a UV light. UV light produces rays similar to that of a sun. That will burn the vampire to a crisp.
– Vampires like to sneak up on people from behind. Wear something around your neck with a bunch of cross symbols designed. It will make the vampire think twice before sinking its teeth into your neck.
– In case of fighting an Asian vampire, remember that the stuff in the traditional movies won’t work on them. You’re going to need special sutras placed all around your room. If you’re dealing with Chinese vampires, make sure the sutras are all in Chinese. If you’re dealing with Japanese vampires, make sure the sutras are all in Japanese.
– Learn to be proficient with a crossbow. That way you can aim for the vampire’s heart.
– Remember when staking a vampire: location, location, location!
– Wear protective gear that is water resistant and doesn’t stain. Especially protect your face. Anybody who has seen “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” will understand what I’m getting at.
– Wear knee pads with crosses designed. That should help should you come into a close quarters combat situation in a vampire. A Muay Thai fighter should be able to take on a vampire with knee and elbow pads with crosses designed.
– Wear gloves with crosses and other holy symbols designed. In case you ever get into a grappling match with a vampire.
– When going vampire hunting, wear protective gear. Make sure your body is covered up making it harder for the vampire to sink its fangs into your flesh.
– For firearms, make sure you have crosses engraved on the bullet heads.
– Should you engage in sexual intercourse with a vampire, make sure whatever s/he swallows isn’t your blood. You know where I’m getting at. Yes, there are plenty of people that will attempt to have sex with a vampire.
– If your vampire’s an atheist, you’re screwed!!!
– Be forewarned that what you see in the movies necessarily does not work.
In case of werewolf movies, there are plenty of lessons to be learned.
– Make sure you have firearms with silver bullet heads on you at all times.
– Make sure you have blades made of silver.
– Should you get bitten by a wild animal, seek medical help immediately. There may be a vaccine for the werewolf infection.
– Have a set of silver knuckles. They’re like brass knuckles but made of silver.
– In a large crowd, be the one that runs away screaming.
– Don’t attract attention to yourself if there is no crowd. Escape is the only option. Do not fight the werewolf. That’s for people who have a death wish.
In the case of Wes Craven movies:
– It’s always the one you least suspect.
In the case of evil little children:
– Avoid twins at all costs.
– They’re already psychic.
– Avoid the psychic little girl, chances are she can read your mind, set things on fire, and cut you up, just by thinking it.
– Psychic little girl may also be bulletproof, too.
– Do not abuse evil little children. That’s just asking for it.
– Do not let them gang up on you.
– If you have to, make examples out of them.
– Probably should have seen THAT coming!!!
In the case of zombie movies:
– Always have a zombie plan such as a cold place. Preferably tundra to be exact. Why? They will freeze!
– Stock up on food and ammo along with other supplies ahead of time.
– Tundra itself will prevent many from getting to you.
– If you don’t have a zombie plan, arm yourself with a sharp or blunt object and attempt to get to a colder climate zone.
– Make sure your encampment as more females to males. In case of partial extinction and many cases sexual frustration.
– Sexual frustration can get you into many terrible situations.
– Aim for the head. If that fails, shoot till it stops moving.
– If you’re holed up with rapists and child murderers, kill those people and feed them to the zombies.
– In case if your encampment leader is some evil dictator, do your best to break away. Survive on your own. Because evil and innate evil do not mix as opposing teams. They’ll either destroy each other, or innate will win.
For other types of horror movies:
– Do not be the “minority.”
– Minorities tend to be the first ones killed. If not, they will die eventually.
– Avoid pentagrams of any shape, or type. It doesn’t have to be a star. Witchcraft is probably involved anyway.
– Never lie to people.
– Always get the police involved.
– Never investigate.
– Should you feel the need to investigate, make sure you have a large group.
– Never leave the group.
– Make sure when splitting up that groups stick together.
– Don’t drive drunk.
– Move to an urban area.
– Never open anything unfamiliar, get someone else to do it. They’re expendable.
– Don’t tick off the social rejects.
– Don’t go to parties in the middle of nowhere.
– Always, always, at the first sign of Satanism, GTFO of dodge!
– Never read a strange language you don’t understand. Have someone else read it for you.
– When dealing with a supernatural creature that can’t die, run as fast as you can. Go as far as you can.
– In the creature has a time limit and if he’s busy chasing you…and he doesn’t catch up by the time limit is up, he’s seriously screwed for 23 years.
– When someone in a mask says “I’m going to cut your throat,” take them seriously. It’s not Johnny from Mr. Winkler’s class.
– If you can fatally wound the person, then do so. You can get off for “pre-emptive self defense” which is Federal Law.
– If you’re a minority, don’t go to some undisclosed location with a bunch of white people. Let the white peeps get killed off. In a realistic situation, us minorities wouldn’t be in these scenarios. Agreeing to go into the wilderness with a bunch of white peeps definitely asking for it.
– If you’re in traffic because something happened with the main road, wait in traffic! Taking the shortcut is just asking for it.
Follow these lessons and you should be safe should you be provided you follow these important lessons. Don’t do anything stupid as that’s just asking for it.