Not that it’s a slow news day or anything, but Bill Oddie is in trouble with viewers for providing unnecessarily racy commentary on Spring watch. According to reports, the former Goodie backed footage of two sparrows mating with the words: "The female is asking for it – and getting it, basically … She’s doing that wing-fluttering thing as if to say: ‘I am a baby, feed me now’ … and is getting quite the opposite … That’s a wing-trembler she’s just had there."
Later, while watching two beetles having sex, he proclaimed: "One thing’s for sure – this boy is horny," before going on to role-play the part of the female: "Come on big boy, come and get it … Oh, be gentle with me!"
Now this is bloody sexy stuff. No one could hear that without getting dangerously turned on. In fact, according to the state-of-the-art Raunch Gauge based at Wookey Hole in Somerset (founded in 1978 to monitor fluctuating levels of steaminess in network broadcasts), that particular edition of Springwatch was the second most arousing broadcast since records began – eclipsed only by the notorious 1984 edition of News at Ten in which a trouserless Sandy Gall vaulted the desk and violently rubbed his crotch against the lens for 10 whole minutes in a desperate bid to perk up a report on Sealink ferries.*